to be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing it's best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. - e.e. cummings

that's all i know.

brody turned 4 last month.



the only thing in the world that matters are superheroes.

according to him, he knows his superheroes. much like he knows his ABCs and 123s. they are equally important.

his best friend changes everyday. i am never one of them. and that's ok. it just means he can never trade me in for a different best friend.


he pulls my pants down all the time now. like for real pulls them down. and he never gets in trouble bc the deep-in-his-gut laugh melts my heart.

and he can fly now. i mean, sort of. i am his vehicle that allows him to fly. so really he can't fly. he's more like a pilot. but i would never tell him. it would break his heart.

do you remember this post?

well. i'm dying again. and my sidekick is here as my witness. again. his dad is not, however, out of town this time. he's just too much of a (jerk) busy person to watch (be responsible for) him.

thankfully i have superhero shows, spongebob, ice cream, popcorn and an iPad to keep him occupied while i...well, die.

brody was such a good, sweet little helper in the last post. almost two years ago. when he was 2. sweet, innocent 2. this time though instead of rubbing my tummy, he has instead offered to punch me in the stomach. so that's nice.

and james? he's not around to help tonight either. it might have something to do with last night when he came over and i had a hole in my pants and a stain on my shirt. brody wouldn't go to bed so james had to put him to bed for me for the first time. he ran into my room at 3am to get in bed with us, i let him crawl in trying not to wake up james but brody needed to talk about superheroes for a bit, duh...and milk, i think i remember a story about milk. by 5am he cried bc he needed to be in the middle so we could crowd him. i let him in the middle and although he didn't kick me, pretty sure he kicked james. and well, there just weren't enough blankets for us and james. so ya, he's not here. you think he'll come back?

would you rather spend a week on the beach or a week on the slopes?
beach. always. um, until dec when i hit the slopes for the first time. how did this happen? who am i? a little scared. not gonna lie. are there bears in the mountains of utah? and do people fall off the lifts?

how old are you?
the perfect age. no more fear. no more indecisiveness. no more trying to be what you think you are supposed to be but know you aren't. i'm just here. where i'm supposed to be. at this age. happy is a struggle. but with every birthday comes more happy. more grace. more dignity. more wisdom.

would you rather watch ‘hoarders’ or ‘i didn’t know i was pregnant’?
um. hmmmm. well a home can be cleaned. a baby is forever. but a cute little baby would be a more welcome surprise than a dead cat under the rug. i need to think on this one before i commit.

would you rather wear ballet flats … boots …or flip flops?
stupid question. i wear boots with holes in them. i have separation anxiety about taking them to shoe repair store.

would you rather live on a farm …in the city….or be content in suburbia?
i will never live in the suburbs again. ever. you could offer me a free home. and a land rover. and tell me i never had to work again and i still would not move back to the suburbs. i'm happy right here where i am. with all my pretty trees.

would you rather drive a mini van or mini cooper?
would not drive a mini anything. i do like james' mini car though. he would not appreciate me calling it mini. nor would he ever let me drive it.

would you rather go to a movie or a play?
you are supposed to say play when asked this question. but last night after i took brody to the movies with our unlimited movie passes from B, he looked at me and said "mommy, i love you. thank you for always taking me to the movies". so my answer is to a movie. for the rest of my life.

would you rather have a cupcake or a bag of chips?
cupcakes with lots of icing & lots of sprinkles. and i would eat 2. duh.

would you rather sit and read or watch a favorite show?
sit & read. in bed. at night. in sweats. with lots of covers. unless the book sucks. which happens often. never trust a recommendation or a book club.

when was the last time you slow danced?
since wedding receptions shouldn't count as an answer, it's been a long time. sometimes though when james hugs me he doesn't let go. and he sways. and he kisses my forehead. and it makes me love him. so i think that counts.

would you rather sit and dream or live your dream?
i sat and dreamed for many years. then i walked away. and started living.

would you rather be caught wearing your sweats at walmart or chuck e cheese?
caught? i wear them all the time. everywhere. i would wear them with my boots if i felt like it. i do hate walmart though. and chuck e cheese. so i guess i wouldn't be caught in sweats in either place. you can prob catch me in them at the public library, local hyvee or target.

would you rather have lots of new friends or a handful of old friends?
easy. a handful of old.

we have cable now. not the kind you have, but it's cable nonetheless. only cooler.

i complained to james that my wi-fi connection that i was stealing from my neighbor sucked. so he got me a cute little white thing that gave me my own internet connection that i don't pay for and don't know whether or not is legal.

then he hooked up a computer to my tv. my real tv...like a real one, a flat screen. but with a computer hooked up to it. so now i can google stuff on my tv, watch hulu, watch nick jr, check facebook and watch all things superhero. just like the internet. but on my tv. and i don't pay for that either. nor do i know if this is legal since it's attached to my new internet connection that i also don't pay for.

there's more.

so then he hooked up his home cable from his basement in lee's summit to my tv in prairie village. so now i have his cable in my home. and if he's in his basement, he has to watch what i am watching in my living room. and i think that's funny. and i don't pay for that either. and don't know if it's legal.

he's genius.

oh. and he carved a pumpkin for us. for 3 hours. in the shape of iron man. we're gonna keep him. james, i mean. not the pumpkin. it will be rotten in a few weeks. can't keep that.

where is superman from?
krypton.
what is krypton?
a planet.
what's a planet?
well, earth is a planet. you are from earth. and earth is like krypton.
i'm not from errr-ph. i'm from prairie village.
right. but prairie village is on earth.
no. it's not. prairie village is in my city.
right. but your city is on earth.
no. my city is where spongebob lives. not errr-ph.
so you live underwater?
ya. with superman.
but not spongebob?
no. spongebob is from errr-ph.

then he rolled his eyes at me. swear.

i had a cupcake, a brownie & a chocolate covered strawberry for lunch today. all 3.
i want a new pair of boots so bad that i cry over it. 2 pair actually.
i miss my best friend. arkansas is stupid.
i spent most of today making sure something at work doesn't look too much like a dildo.
i'm really bitter that i have to dress up for work. it makes me late every morning.
i don't want more babies. but if, i said if, i have another 1 or 2, i am going to name them finnigan & sullivan. but call them fin & sully. or are those fish names?
i am secretly worried about finishing my kitchen remodel. it keeps me busy.
still a vegetarian. 5 months now. really cranky about it. and pretty sure i am malnourished.
brody says i can't kiss him anymore. i am broken hearted.
i was turned down for the 4th dog that i tried to adopt. 4th. did you get that? 4th rejection.
i killed a baby chipmunk tonight. i cried for him. poor little guy.

that's about it.

sometimes i wish i could stay home and make cute things. um, most of the time.

i even picked out the cute things that i would stay home to make.

it would be really hard. and i would be really slow. and i wouldn't make any money.

but aren't they cute?

a sweet bear with a pink nose. i love him.

and a blue chic. in a dress. with pockets.

and duh, if you make cute things, you have to make an elephant.

i bought the instructions for the little critters on etsy today. i don't even know how to crochet.

you want one, don't you? no? yes you do.

i never let anyone drive me to the airport. ever. afraid my plane will be delayed and i'll be left stranded with no ride. but last week james insisted on taking me. and therefore he had to pick me up. he got there at 5pm, when my plane landed. problem is my plane didn't land at 5pm. it landed at 10:15pm. take off vs landing time confusion on my part. he waited for me for 5 hours. AND wasn't even mad. i would have left me there.

today we went to buy a kite. first store didn't have any. but we did leave with this...
but the day was too pretty to give up so a couple more stores later we found a kite. and he bought us 2.

and after much practice & many giggles, he taught brody how to fly the kite on his own.

i should add that they hit me on the head twice.

we came home to a locked screen door. he got it open by using a rock to bust through the glass. and although the glass didn't break it was too wobbly to be safe so he unscrewed the entire door. but the screen door doesn't come off without taking off the entire frame. so then he took off the entire frame.

it's ridiculous how sweet he is to me. he did leave with a headache though.

mom, nina keeps kissing me.
well she's pretty cute but little boys & girls shouldn't kiss, brody. only grownups kiss.
i know, i need you to call 911.

mom, we don't let people see our business.
that's right, brody. and if anyone ever gets near your business, who do you tell?
the police.
well, yeah, but who do you tell first?
the firefighters.
ok, sort of, but who do you tell before them?
the ambulances.
um, ok...who do you tell before the ambulances though?
clowns!
wha? no. in fact, never ever talk to clowns.

my mommy is a beggar-tarian but i'm not. i have to eat meat so i can go to kindergarten.

i build train sets. that's what i do. over & over & over.

i choose to believe that i am pretty good at it. but when he rips them apart and makes me redo multiple times a day, i reconsider.

this morning he didn't need my help. he didn't even want it.

sigh of relief. no more train set building for me. finally.

i walk back to the couch, cover up in a buzz lightyear blanket, lean forward to grab my coffee smiling the whole time that i likely have 10 free minutes in my future.

and then i fell off the couch. and so did my coffee.

little boys.

being a mom is hard. and sometimes i have to lie. i just do. to stay sane and all.

so in the spirit of lying, i am a robot mommy. with magical robot powers.

and there is a secret button under brody's arms. only i know where it is bc of my magical powers. and if he doesn't listen and i press it? his arms fall off. and if he doesn't have arms, how will he play with his race cars?

oh. and i also have a clock inside my robot head. so i always know when 5 minutes is up. don't bother fighting me on it.

i love this couple. he loves her. she loves him. and i love them. and they don't know me. but whatever, i love them.

just look at how much he loves her. it's ridiculous.

they make me want to get married. again. and have more babies.

and i know i had sworn off men. and marriage. and more babies.

but come on. look how cute they are.

"twilight inspired me to..."

those words just came out of my coworker's mouth.

for the love of god.

and i don't even know what it inspired her to do. i walked away before she could finish the stupidity.

i've been following a blog of a seemingly single mommy and her two little ones. she doesn't write much...mostly just photos of her kids, artwork, outings...leaving lots of room for interpretation on my end.

she'd been on a hunt for a new home and kept posting photos of charming little homes similar to mine. and in her postings was always a need for a prayer, a happy thought a 'pleeeease let us get this one'. so i followed along patiently awaiting the perfect home for her and her kiddos. while also remembering my own hunt and my own fear of 'where are we going to live?'.

so she found it. and posted her photos. i felt joy for her as i glanced through the cuteness of it all.

and at the end she wrote a note...our new summer home.

whaaaa?

we can no longer be friends.

as we were leaving to go to a free truck show today, i was telling brody about all the cool things that would be there...dump trucks, garbage trucks, face painting, clowns. his response..."i hate clowns, they're not useful." say what?

we arrive at the truck show and the parking lot is empty. hmph. wrong day. i took a big gulp and turned to him to apologize that i had the wrong day. in lieu of crying, he looked at me and said 'it's no big deal mom, let's go to the pool instead...that place is better anyway'.

sometimes i feel bad for him that he is exactly like me. but usually i am thankful bc he really is exactly like me.

yesterday i got 2 bills in the mail. 1 for an emergency room visit. 1 for a cat scan. $3,000 in total. both the result of the city of prairie village's unpreparedness to land a chinook helicopter by my head.

and today the same city pulled me over and wrote me a ticket for $65.

i'm starting to not love prairie village so much.

why doesn't that kid have a lot of trains?
not all kids have as many trains as you brody.
why? *very confused*
bc you are a very blessed little boy.
i don't want to be blue-lessed.
ok, well we can give that little boy some of your trains so he is blessed.
no. *starts to walk away* he can get them at target.

and off to the blueberry patch we went.

our 4th of july started off today with a combination of a military helicopter. a strong gust of wind. flying chairs. broken tents. a pole impaling my head. falling down. dropping a toddler. a bloody head. medics. and a pounding headache.

per usual, we survived.

thank you to everyone that helped after my frantic phone calls asking for help.

in the spirit of never finishing my kitchen, i am moving on to the front door.

see ugly brown door below? same as mine. only mine is forest green. and forest green is stupid.

see the black door beside it? same door. only painted. with molding. and a new handle.

i can do that, right?

i haven't been able to drink milk since i watched food, inc last month.

today i decided to buy shatto milk bc i know those cows aren't hurt on the sweet little missouri family-owned farm.

i really thought this would end my new repulsion of milk. but i open it and it's rotten. not just sour kind of rotten. it's a cottage cheese kind of rotten.

but instead of immediately throwing it away, i squeezed the cute bottle of shatto milk. and the cottage cheese kind of rotten milk shot through the hole and landed all over me. and my hair.

i spent the next few minutes in the bathroom with the dry-heaves.

and i will never drink milk again.

brody is going to have to learn to open and pour his own.

bathroom remodel finished. oh...and the hallway too. thanks to brody.

his artwork took a lot of behind the scenes cleanup on my part. it was worth it. he's such a sweet little helper.

can you believe 1 room is completely done? finally. this morning i even replaced the tub's drain and overflow by myself.

now back to the kitchen. someone save me please.

waiting for toy story 3 to begin in a less than crowded theatre, brody turned to me and asked "mommy, why doesn't anyone want to sit by me?"

and my heart shattered in a million pieces.

i wish i could talk about things that i want to talk about. a few more weeks maybe. gah.

my new obsession. do you know how hard it is to make a layered rainbow cake? i don't either. but i plan on learning. bc it's a rainbow. and a cake. 2 of my fav things.

ya, i do too.

anymore.

my friend, amy, can do anything. really. she's a fantastic mom. wife. friend. photographer. cook. everything.

but she gets me in trouble. she makes me believe that i can do the things that she can do. and i just can't.

but we got ourselves in trouble together with these cabinets. 2 homes and neither of us have finished. and it has been weeeeeeeeks.

first pic was taken tonight for amy to share in my misery.

the cabinets have been now sanded inside & out (thanks to the power-sander my mom gave me). and 2 coats of primer inside & out. and lots of "this stupid bleeping house".


problem though is all the cabinets are here. in the garage. un-sanded. un-primed. un-painted. oh and see that door. for some reason i decided to take it out of my bathroom. and i can't get it back on. so now our bathroom is door-less.

so instead of finishing all of the above projects, i started a new one. it gives me a sense of accomplishment. even though i did nothing but call the guy to come do it. and write him a check. same thing i should have done with those kitchen cabinets.

last month brody was complaining to his teachers that his ear hurt. no fever, it just hurt. so i took him to the pediatrician just to be sure he didn't have an infection.

he didn't.

just wax build up that she removed with a plastic q-tip.

took 2 seconds.

and i just got a bill for $300.

next time we visit i plan on asking her for one of the q-tips. then i am going to poke her eyes out with it.

my friend told me to rent 500 days of summer. so it made my blockbuster queue and i watched it tonight.

same story. my story. only backwards. she looks like me but acts like him and he looks like him but acts like me. you still with me? oh, and the setting is a greeting card company. really.

freaked me out. my new #1 movie that i hate. although i loved it. i hated it even more.

tonight i am crying for a friend of a friend. life can be confusing. and unfair. and cruel.

as they remove their 4 year old boy from life support, i will go get mine out of his bed so i can hug him tighter and longer.

brody, if you don't listen to your teachers today you don't get to watch astro boy tonight.
ok, if i don't listen today i will watch a different movie tonight.
no, you won't watch any movies tonight.
yes, that's right mom, good job.

and moments later -

mom, listen to your boss today and be a good girl. if not, you don't get any movies tonight.
uhhhh, ok...?

where'd this kid come from?

sometimes you just need to go home. and roast marshmallows. that makes everything better.

i don't know why i do this to myself. really, i don't.

sometimes i think i am in over my head with this house.

last fall i wrote a post about being too scared to go into the crawl space. i needed to change the furnace filter before winter. never did. brody's dad told me the other day that the filter needs to be changed for the air conditioner too. ugh.

i really thought he would go down there for me. seriously. i did. he even got as far as opening the little crawl space door. then he got scared too and refused. then he walked back in and accidentally broke my screen door. so my filter is still old and now my screen door is broke.

...so you ran from your friends?
no, that's not what I said mommy.
you ran from your teachers?
no, mommy, stop somersaulting my words.

i think it's twisting, little buddy. twisting my words.

i have a date with a psychic tonight. not a date-date. it's a girl. that's a psychic. a friend of a friend that talks to friends of the friend for free.

and i have been so nervous. staring at the phone. what if she tells me i am a horrible person? what if she tells me something, anything that i don't want to know? what if she tells me what i already know but don't want to admit but then have to admit bc she said it out loud?

but i did call.

and she didn't answer.

so now i am worried that she doesn't want to talk to me. bc she's psychic, you know. she had to of known i was calling.

it's been 15 years since we last saw our sister. we all have our memories of the last time we saw her. no one ever tells you it's the last time. you don't get a goodbye.

the last time i saw her she was crying. she needed help. and then she drove away.

the last time i heard her was on the answering machine. she kept asking for someone to pick up. no one was home.

and then the police officer came.

i remember the look on his face. i remember him taking off his hat. and telling me she was dead. and asking me who would tell my mom. i don't remember who called to tell her to come home. or who had the courage to tell her that her daughter was dead.

this is what i remember. every time i think of her. i remember a heavy sadness.

but she had a life before the accident. she was funny. sassy. beautiful. i wish i could remember those things instead.

i can't remember when my fear of baseball began.

i played softball as a little girl...on a team called slick chics (yes, really) with pink uniforms and crooked ponytails. wasn't scared then.

i went numerous cardinals games as a kid. don't remember being scared then.

at some point though it became an irrational fear. not a general fear of baseball...but a specific fear of getting hit in the head with a flying baseball. not in my thigh or my arm. just my head. see? it's irrational.

but i believe it. and i defend this fear bc people really do die this way and i'm sure they weren't expecting to get hit in the head with a baseball.

not to mention all the things that happen to me that seemingly only happen to me. the wiffle ball that impaled me while i was innocently running in the park? what if that had been a baseball...and it hit me.in.the.head. in the head. seriously. in the head.

problem though is that brody is already awesome at baseball. just like his dad was. no surprise.

and i'm his pitcher & catcher. you see where this is going?

naturally i've been secretly finding new ways to play baseball. kick the baseball. pitch a soccer ball. use a plastic bat to hit a hard ball.

but he talks. and he tells his dad.

and then i get in trouble.

i need therapy.

i will be witty when i can be.
i will be pretty when i must be.
i will have grace if it kills me.

that grace part though?...it's really going to kill me.

mommy, is adam a human or a pollen jock?
he's a human.
can he fly like a pollen jock?
maybe but i don't think so.
so he just stays in the hive?
well, he's not a bumblebee...he's a human so he wouldn't fit in a hive.
does that human boy make honey?
no, but he probably eats honey.
does he eat pollen jocks?
no, i don't think so.
is he gonna eat me?
well...you gonna start being good?
yes.
then he won't eat you.

mommy, do you have a pooch?
whaaaaat? what are you trying to say, kid?
a pooch on your belly?
WHAT? i DO NOT have a pooch on my belly.
i want you to have a pooch.
seriously!? what the heck? you should not say those things to mommy.
like a kangaroo, i want to get in it so you can hold me.

oh my god. i love him.

i am in love with this song. video makes me cry. so many similarities.

i didn't fill out my 2010 census so they have been sending the census people to my door trying to get my information. i am too stubborn to answer the door so they keep coming every night and every weekend.

tonight though i decided the only way to get them to stop stalking me is to answer the door and give them my information. simple, i know.

some of the questions were confusing though.

did you live here on or after april 1st?
uh, i don't know...what month is this? and do you mean this year or last year?
how many children do you have?
one
any foster children?
i just told you i only have 1 child.
any other children stay here?
seriously, i just told you i only have 1 child.
does your child live here?
um, yes...? (*you idiot)
does he stay anywhere else?
yes, with his dad 2 nights a week.
and do you stay there too?
well, that might be weird.

since my last post i have been getting a lot of questions about why i am attending buddhist classes. i have lots of reasons that will likely all make it into this blog at some point. but the main reason is that i can understand it. it is the first time that i can nod my head and agree. i ask questions, i get answers.

meanwhile, my sweet friend kim is christian. and tonight she tried to explain a bible story to me...

kim: ...so Hannah had a baby and devoted the baby to God when he was 3.
kay: how do you devote a 3 year old to God?
kim: she gave it to him.
kay: how do you give God a baby?
kim: you know, she just gave it to him.
kay: she gave him a real baby?
kim: yes.
kay: like a real baby?
kim: yes.
kay: for real?
kim: yes.
kay: how do you just give a real baby to God?
kim: bc at this point God was a real man.
kay: how was he a real man?
kim: bc he was Jesus
kay: hold up...i thought Jesus was God's son?

this went on for awhile...she gave up.

now do you understand why buddhism is simply a better fit for me? i would annoy christians.

our neighbor lady came by on friday. i have met her a few times, nothing more than chit chat though.

she wanted to wish me a happy mother's day weekend. and began by telling me that many years ago she was a single mom too...of a boy that is now in his 30s. and that from the moment we moved in she has watched us through her front window.

she laughed as she described watching me pull him on a sleigh in a flat yard with no snow, how she watches him repeatedly tackle me in the front yard, watches him giggle everytime i lose the race, watches us tend to our worms together and how incredibly happy he seems to be.

she was crying. i was crying. brody was shooting us.

it was the best mother's day wish. memories for her. affirmation for me.

tonight i was sent home with a mother's day gift made by brody. 3 fill-n-the blank notes that his teachers wrote for him...

i love my mommy bc she gives me lollipops.
i love my mommy bc she is pretty.
i love my mommy bc she plays with me.

last year the note said he was thankful for scrappy. a dog that isn't even our dog.

i knew those lollipops would pay off.

everyone keeps asking me what i am doing for mother's day this weekend. they lean in and whisper what are your plans for mother's day, kay? as if i am broken. as if no one will acknowledge or wish me a happy mother's day.

good intentions, yes. but is the pitiful tone necessary?

so i will be spending mother's day at the zoo with my sidekick. same as last year. and we will be looking for a giant panda that doesn't exist and have a meltdown bc we can't find it. same as last year. and he may or may not wish me a happy mother's day. same as last year.

and that's all i want. so no more pitiful tones, k?

i realized this morning that my baby has lost all his baby fat. he's so tall and thin.

*tears*

i keep telling myself that things will stop changing. but they don't.

my friend, jodi, says when you have no control you have to let go.

and since i pretty much have no control over anything, i'm learning to let go.

but letting go of my dearest friend will be hard. watching her pack and move will be the most difficult goodbye yet.

my first reaction was joy. joy bc i love her.
my second reaction was selfishness. selfishness bc i love her.

i will be in denial for a few more months. expect a breakdown late summer when i realize she's gone.

long blond hair. long fake nails. a tee hee hee kind of giggle. an unnecessary amount of makeup. i really do notice these things. it's sad, i know.

and i guess brody does too since he turned to me to say she was a bee-yoooou-tiful princess.

*clinch teeth*
lil buddy, i have so much to teach you still.

got a little closer to the 3 miles tonight. more like under 2 but i believe in dirty math so let's round up. i also got new shoes and new running shorts. bc what is the point in running if you don't have cute clothes? duh.

my grandpa was a strong man. a wise man. he rarely said much to us. he loved us no doubt. but he was hard on us. he expected a lot. and when he was disappointed, we knew it. it showed in his eyes. as a teenager, he turned to me unexpectedly and said.... 'never depend on anyone, kaylen. you are a strong girl. you are a smart girl. the only person you can depend on is you.'

he didn't just tell me i was pretty. he told me i was strong. and smart. and i listened. thank god, i listened.

i signed up for my first 5k last august. trained and everything. the race ended up being the same weekend that i said goodbye to adam as he headed back to florida. didn't make it. didn't even cross my mind.

my 2nd 5k - er, i guess this is still my 1st - is quickly approaching. this time in iowa. driving a few hours to run a few miles.

i started training a few weeks ago but in my mind the race was always a few weeks away. plenty of time to procrastinate. insert twisted ankle from tripping over a sidewalk crack. 1 week no training. insert self-diagnosed broken toe from tripping over a different sidewalk crack. 1 week no training.

and now here i am, 2 weeks out. now i have been running from time to time, but i had no idea how far i was running. tonight though, i bought a pedometer.

and i haven't been running 3 miles.

not even close.

so i might not finish that race running...but i will make it to the bar afterwards. that's my new goal. bc i don't need to train for that.

it took me a decade to get a real calculator at hallmark. the awesome kind. after a tiny bit of whimpering, our admin let me pick one out of a catalog all by myself.

so when i left, i stole it. i did. i loved it. and after 10 years, i had earned it.

but now i feel guilty. so i'm headed back. in 2 weeks. to return that calculator.

my friend introduced me to a new little toy shop down the street. in the cutest building ever. with the cutest owner ever. and since neither of us had anything better to do we drilled her with questions. why do you own a toy shop? are you married? what does your husband do? where do you get all these toys? are you happy? can i trade lives with you? kidding. i didn't ask that last question.

short version of her story is that she used to run a non-profit agency, has 3 kids, is married to a producer that shoots documentaries and always wanted to own a lil toy shop. i love her and hate her equally.

on the walk back i moaned and groaned that this girl had stolen my life. i was supposed to have a little shop. and marry the sweet, cool guy. she can keep the extra 2 kids though, i only wanted 1.

this led to trying to explain my type. calm. introverted. cool. witty. smart. quiet.

with the exception of adorable boy, i have always assumed that only meatheads are attracted to me. since marc is an analyst he determined that this isn't really the case. the problem is that most men are indeed meatheads and my type is just a tiny portion of the population. therefore, statistically speaking i am less likely to meet them...and since they aren't extroverts, if by chance i do meet them they will never ask me out.

so the results were that i will always be alone. and i pretty much already knew that since toy shop girl stole my husband and my toy shop.

you should never tell a stupid meathead that you don't want your son to grow up to be a stupid meathead. they take offense to that. and then you have to squirm your way out of it.

in fact sometimes i think i should just stop talking.

i left work today in the middle of a storm. with no umbrella. and a 1 1/2 block walk to my car. with a twisted ankle. so off i hobble to my car. a soaking disaster by the time i get there.

driving down the highway to get brody and i see flashing lights. seriously? now? i am late. i am soaking wet. now is not a good time to pull me over.

mentally preparing myself for a ticket the cop begins by telling me he is giving me a warning.

did you know you were speeding?
yes, i was speeding bc i am in a hurry. of course i know i was speeding. did you really have to pull me over just to tell me i was speeding?
do you want me to give you a ticket?
mmmmm, not really.
then you should probably stop talking.
ya, you're right. i should stop talking. i will stop talking.

my neighbor asked me yesterday if i had seen a young girl going into his house this weekend.

yes, i did actually. she was wearing jean shorts and black high heels.

he was impressed with my memory. uh, it's actually because i am really judgmental.

it was his daughter. so that was uncomfortable.

too windy & wet to go to the park tonight so we played in the front yard instead. brody wanted to practice his swing so he ran off to get a bat and...uh, football.

you sure you don't want me to get your wiffle balls, bro?
no, i'm a football player.
with a bat?
yes, i am a really strong football player. throw me the ball so i can hit it.

realizing this was a dead end conversation, i started pitching the football to the football player holding a bat.

and then the new neighbors show up. of course they did. as if it is their duty to protect brody from a clueless mom.

and then i hear....

he's a lefty!

lord help me.

it's t-ball season at the park. and we are there every night. playing in the sandbox, watching lacrosse players, running, riding bikes...and now t-ball.

having a boy that is a lefty means every guy in the park will stop to tell me he's gonna be a pitcher. and they are usually foaming at the mouth as they tell me. i think they drink testosterone before practice. as if they don't have enough already.

yesterday was spent helping to write an obituary. scouring through photos to find the perfect ones for her funeral. trying to remember her favorite flowers for her casket.

it was spent picking out a dress to bury her in. finding the perfect strand of pearls as a final gift from her son. choosing a shirt and tie for him to wear to his mom's funeral.

it was spent watching my little boy's father completely break.

but we also spent the day laughing. remembering her. we didn't talk about money. we didn't talk about visitation rights. we didn't talk about court. we talked about his mom. bc what we now have in common is that we both loved her. and we both lost her.

in a couple of days we will bury my little boy's grandma...how do i explain this to him? how do you tell a 3 year old that his grandma is gone?

so many goodbyes lately. how much can one person take before they completely fall apart?

last week i noticed new neighbors moving in next door. saw the first guy. no girl. then another guy. no girl. and another. shit. you have got to be kidding me. 3 guys. 1 home.

i chose to ignore them...bc you know, that would make them re-pack their belongings and go back where they came from. they didn't.

so as they finished moving in over the weekend, i continued to ignore them as i spent my time indoors with a broken heart and the stomach flu- dying basically.

tonight though...we met. one of them evidently decided since we are neighbors that he could come to my back-porch instead of my front porch...to introduce himself maybe? to scare me? to bring me cookies? i still don't know...bc my curtains were open and i was standing there in a bra and panties. and off he ran...and off i ran.

so there is our first introduction. not at my best. although from his perspective it probably was.

during my 2nd coffee run this morning, my friend marc asked me how my weekend was. he had no idea what he was getting himself into. i can count on one hand the number of people that i will let in--really let in. everyone else gets a tiny little taste of what i want them to know, but not much else.

marc though tricked me. he should be a counselor bc the second he asked me--verbal vomit.

so after an hour in the coffee shop (note: please never send my boss this url), he ended our conversation with- when will you talk to him again?

i thought for a minute and realized that i had nothing left to say to him...and in those moments it's best to just say nothing at all.

the universe hates my friend, betsi. it hates me too.

1 month ago i started a new job. it was time. 10 years with hallmark and it was time to move on. after many long days, long hours, a boss that i am positive hates me, i have spent many car rides home in tears and many late nights of regret.

after 8 months of dating someone that i adored, he called it off this weekend. i expected it. he had an expiration date stamped right across his forehead. what i didn't see coming was for him to hand over so much pain. i knew a reality check and a difficult conversation were coming within a few months. i didn't expect a kick in the gut nor did i expect it this early. hearts don't break evenly--so says that country song.

i found a plumber to help me with my bathtub. i had saved the money and was finally getting it replaced. my over-protective sister did a background check on him for me and come to find out he just got out of lansing federal prison. awesome.

and lastly, at one point i was planning to be in mexico this week with said adorable boy. instead i am in kc, spending a great deal of time curled up under a blanket crying, no more adorable boy and a crap bathtub with no plumber.

stupid universe. find 2 other girls to pick on.

i love this photo.

life keeps happening and my poor blog is dying a slow death.

if i had known that i would start getting wonderful, handmade gifts like this, i would have resigned long ago. let the crying begin as i say my goodbyes.

remodels

i have put myself on my own version of the dave ramsey plan. the kaylen-dave ramsey plan. the no way am i buying his book kind of plan. just give me an excel spreadsheet and i can do it myself kind of plan.

so i did. and i will be debt free in 3 months. months, not years. months.

and when i have my new found debt-free freedom, i will buy a new kitchen. i mean, isn't that what everyone does?

actually it will be baby steps. below will be end result. go ahead, invite yourself over for dinner. you bring the wine.

my heart is with conan. stupid leno.

vertebrates

i’m a vertebrate.
oh really…you’re a vertebrate? (think. think. what’s a vertebrate?)
i have a backbone. it’s in my back.
you do. yes, yes you do. (uh-huh, that’s what a vertebrate is)
but jelly fish don’t have backbones.
hmmm. i guess they don’t.
they don’t. but polar bears do.

*this went on for awhile. frogs, alligators, birds, spiders…and did you know frogs are amphibians…fi-bee-yons so says brody.

pout

i wrote this last week on my new blog that i have already abandoned bc i was all lonely and sad in that other blog world-

"from now on whenever i am sad i will just stop being sad and be awesome instead"

and this week it makes me laugh bc i am totally and purposefully choosing to be immature and pouty today.

hmph

my surgeon friend just sent me pics of his new condo. on the beach. with a pool.
he’s already a surgeon…and then he just haaaad to go get a condo on the beach too. as if being a surgeon isn’t enough.

then i got an email from chuck-e-cheez.

bad timing.