yesterday was spent helping to write an obituary. scouring through photos to find the perfect ones for her funeral. trying to remember her favorite flowers for her casket.

it was spent picking out a dress to bury her in. finding the perfect strand of pearls as a final gift from her son. choosing a shirt and tie for him to wear to his mom's funeral.

it was spent watching my little boy's father completely break.

but we also spent the day laughing. remembering her. we didn't talk about money. we didn't talk about visitation rights. we didn't talk about court. we talked about his mom. bc what we now have in common is that we both loved her. and we both lost her.

in a couple of days we will bury my little boy's grandma...how do i explain this to him? how do you tell a 3 year old that his grandma is gone?

so many goodbyes lately. how much can one person take before they completely fall apart?

last week i noticed new neighbors moving in next door. saw the first guy. no girl. then another guy. no girl. and another. shit. you have got to be kidding me. 3 guys. 1 home.

i chose to ignore them...bc you know, that would make them re-pack their belongings and go back where they came from. they didn't.

so as they finished moving in over the weekend, i continued to ignore them as i spent my time indoors with a broken heart and the stomach flu- dying basically.

tonight though...we met. one of them evidently decided since we are neighbors that he could come to my back-porch instead of my front porch...to introduce himself maybe? to scare me? to bring me cookies? i still don't know...bc my curtains were open and i was standing there in a bra and panties. and off he ran...and off i ran.

so there is our first introduction. not at my best. although from his perspective it probably was.

during my 2nd coffee run this morning, my friend marc asked me how my weekend was. he had no idea what he was getting himself into. i can count on one hand the number of people that i will let in--really let in. everyone else gets a tiny little taste of what i want them to know, but not much else.

marc though tricked me. he should be a counselor bc the second he asked me--verbal vomit.

so after an hour in the coffee shop (note: please never send my boss this url), he ended our conversation with- when will you talk to him again?

i thought for a minute and realized that i had nothing left to say to him...and in those moments it's best to just say nothing at all.

the universe hates my friend, betsi. it hates me too.

1 month ago i started a new job. it was time. 10 years with hallmark and it was time to move on. after many long days, long hours, a boss that i am positive hates me, i have spent many car rides home in tears and many late nights of regret.

after 8 months of dating someone that i adored, he called it off this weekend. i expected it. he had an expiration date stamped right across his forehead. what i didn't see coming was for him to hand over so much pain. i knew a reality check and a difficult conversation were coming within a few months. i didn't expect a kick in the gut nor did i expect it this early. hearts don't break evenly--so says that country song.

i found a plumber to help me with my bathtub. i had saved the money and was finally getting it replaced. my over-protective sister did a background check on him for me and come to find out he just got out of lansing federal prison. awesome.

and lastly, at one point i was planning to be in mexico this week with said adorable boy. instead i am in kc, spending a great deal of time curled up under a blanket crying, no more adorable boy and a crap bathtub with no plumber.

stupid universe. find 2 other girls to pick on.

i love this photo.