friendship

my dear friend. i just adore her. i haven't seen her in months as she has been battling breast cancer. i ran into her this morning getting coffee and was welcomed with a big, warm hug. a much needed hug and some giggles. something about her draws us all to her. she is full of life, stories & laughter. true to her personality she was more worried about me than herself.

as i walked back to my desk, i couldn't help but think of all the strong women i have in my life. the women that circle around you, protect you and keep you from falling apart. the women that are brutally honest and hide nothing from you knowing there is no judgement in friendship. the women that are going through their own unheard of hardships but focus on you instead. the women that are full of wisdom, advice and love. and the women, like my friend today, that have no idea that simply seeing them for a few minutes is sometimes all you need.

where are they

my overprotective brother-n-law told me no more boob talk in my blog, so this will be the last. sorry, johnny.

i stole some of my ex's t-shirts when i moved out. this was the only manipulative thing i have done...although, manipulative nonetheless. they are so big and soft, perfect for sleeping. so i grabbed a few of the softest ones and hid them in a drawer until i moved out. eventually i will get caught and he will want them back but until then, if you come by my house after 8pm, this is usually what i am wearing- sad, i know.

so tonight, i was wearing one of my xxl, soft t-shirts. as i was reading to brody, his eyes got really big, his hand went over his mouth...

mommy! where are your boobs?!!
ummm, what?? they are right there brody.
where??!!
right there!
no, they're gone! mommy, they're gone!
they are under my shirt honey.
let me see.
NO! stop talking about mommy's boobs, brody.
i want to play hide & seek mommy.
OK.
i am a dinosaur.
OK.
the dinosaur is going to get your boobs.

unfortunately, his teachers will get the 2 year old version of this story tomorrow. oh what they must think of me.

stages

my friend suggested to read thru the 7 stages of grieving for anyone going thru a divorce. evidently the stages are the same for divorce as they are for death. she was right, i was going thru them. each and every one of them, back & forth. completely normal.

i have been hitting all of the stages like clockwork & parallel to each other; shock- yep, lasted 6 months, pain & guilt- yep, hit me hard 6 months later, anger-yep, this one hit me long before i moved out and has never left, loneliness-always, upward turn-already there, reconstruction- made it through, acceptance & hope- there.

the stages gave me permission to cry, to be mad, to be content, to be lonely, to be happy and to go back & forth as much as needed. i am healing and i am at the end.

waiting

today i watched my child stand with his suitcase and wait and wait and wait. this side of you is painful.

my tree

i want my birch tree back. my ex let me take anything i wanted. no fights, no arguments...we just peacefully divided everything. i want my birch tree though. how do you get custody of a tree? better yet, how do you dig it up and transport it.

you don't. you leave it. these are the things that still make me bitter. i loved that tree in my nearly treeless suburban neighborhood.

now, discover who you are. go.

this weekend will be brody's first weekend visit with his daddy. he leaves on sat and i get him back on monday. he doesn't understand days or time yet, so i will tell him saturday morning otherwise i will be explaining over and over for the next few days why his daddy isn't here yet. this child will be overflowing with excitement when he leaves in his daddy's big truck (biiiiiiiggggggggg truck, so says brody).

me? not so great. when you become a mommy, you have to discover yourself all over again. and when you get a divorce, you have to discover yourself. again. and when you find yourself alone for the first time since your child was born, you have to discover yourself. again.

so here i go again, discovering. normal people would make plans with family & friends...but i think i will just chill and let the weekend happen...see how it is to really be alone.

what to do, what to do...
1) drink some wine, go to bed late & sleep in (can you hear me cheering?)
2) go to the pool in my hot new bikini and finally get a tan...or a burn
3) RUN! finally, I get to go for a run again...first time since this winter
4) paint my entryway (martini olive, thanks to my oh for heaven cakes pal)
5) plant more flowers...and with that the need for more kleenex and claritin

...and I will likely spend a large amount of time sitting on brody's bed with his fred bird wishing he were at home.

by monday, i hope to be discovered and to have my baby back.

she has a ladder

little did i know when i moved here that pv is full of singles. coincidentally, i met the neighbor behind me this weekend. she has a great home, beautiful yard and perfect landscaping. in my mind that equals having a husband. nope, she also lives alone. wait a minute, who does your yardwork? i do. who moved all those rocks? i did. who mows for you? i do. who planted all those shrubs? i did. dammit woman, you're killin' me.

so tonight i am looking out our window and she has a ladder. not just a normal ladder, but a huge one that even men only stare at in home depot. i hate home depot, i should have said lowes. so she props the ladder on the side of her house and starts climbing up. lady, what the hell are you doing? climbs to the top and starts cleaning out all her gutters. her gutters. on her roof. on top of a ladder. really.

now i have to go get a ladder. and plant my own bushes. and move my own big rocks. if she can do it then i can do it. she probably also remembers to take her trash out once a week.

can i keep him?

i usually walk past the kids at hyvee raising money for this or that...especially the private school kids...i prefer to give it to those that really need it; like nemo or operation breakthrough. tonight, however, the sweetest child caught my attention. he was dressed in his private school uniform with his little plaid private school bow tie...and the cutest little freckles on his nose. he reminded me so much of my nephew, josh- except josh wouldn't be caught dead in a plaid bow tie and he doesn't have freckles. ok, truth is, this kid looked nothing like my josh...but when a child has a big heart, you can see it...hence the strong similarities.

he shyly walked towards us...'excuse me miss'...although i must look ancient to him, what a doll for not calling me ma'am...' my school is raising money for...(i can't even remember what they were raising money for)....but if you would like to do your shopping first, i would be happy to talk to you afterwards'. this child was maybe 10, if even. so polite. i thanked him and we did our shopping.

we came back out looking for him. his response 'would you like to talk to me about our fundraiser now or do you need to get your baby home?'. seriously, who is this kid and can i have him? he tells me his name, shakes my hand, gives me the synopsis of the fundraiser, i donate $10. as i am writing my check hunched over somehow writing on my leg...he says, 'would you like for me to help you over to the table?'. come on kid, are you real?

as we are leaving, i don't want to embarrass him but want him to know how proud i am of what a kind young man he is...how do you say that to a child in their language? i ended up telling him that he was the sweetest little boy i had ever met. little boy? he doesn't want to be called a little boy. crap.

as i am walking off, i turn around to steal him. kidding. but i do turn around and he is telling his sponsor with a huge smile and the brightest eyes...'that lady told me i am the sweetest kid she has ever met!'...she hugged him, he was so proud. i teared up knowing that this child needed to hear that. sometimes we think they know, but children need to be told out loud. and often.

if i see him again i am totally going to kidnap him.

misplaced

the other day i found orange juice in the pantry.
this morning i found scissors in the freezer.
and tonight i found what used to be a cannister in the dishwasher.
sadly, brody is not to blame for any of this.

confusion

brody's new game. mommy you say no, i say yes.

no.

yes, mommy do it.

ok, no.

mommy, do it, you say no, i say yes.

no.

mommy! say no.

i did! no.

yes.

no.

mommy, yes, say no!

this went on for a very long time.

make it stop

this will be a short post, but i am just gonna say it. if you are a male that works out too much, fake tans, shaves your arm hair, wears tank tops to the gym and has tribal tattoos...then by definition you are a jackass. sorry.

happy mother's day

mother's day weekend began with a saturday trip to the zoo with my sidekick.

i got train passes this time since he loves trains so much...and selfishly, so we didn't have to walk everywhere. why the heck is the kc zoo so spread out? brody quickly figured out that we didn't actually have to get off the train, we could just keep riding...so we did. back & forth from the front gate to australia, over & over. the train ride is simply a destination ride, you can't see many animals along the way...we could however see the elephants and he would yell 'look, mommy, it's the elephants!'...

get to the train stop in australia, full of tired tourists trying to catch a ride back to the front gate...and he yells 'look, mommy, it's the humans!'.

mother's day continues sunday morning at IHOP...it's a tiny IHOP, packed with families celebrating an early brunch with their moms. brody and i are sitting beside a table of 7- mom and dad, 3 daughters, grandma & grandpa. the family seems tense, the mom keeps nagging at her daughters...especially the middle one.

the middle one drops syrup on her shirt (of course she did, it's an IHOP), the mom starts yelling at her. brody, being the protective & still brutally honest toddler that he is, looks at the mom, points his finger and says 'you are a bad mommy!'.

oh god...do not laugh kaylen, do not laugh. the grandma puts her head down so no one can see the sly smile on her face. brody turns to me and repeats 'mommy, she is a bad mommy'.

and our mother's day ended with a trip to the emergency room after superman tried to fly.

boy, n. noise with dirt on it.

by the time we got home, i had to apply toothpaste (neosporin) on 5 different wounds and his fingernails were still so filthy after his bath that i had to trim them just to get some of the dirt out.

intertwined

i am convinced that our lives are intertwined with only a few people...different times, different places...but always the same people. it's never convenient, it's never what we would have written. in fact, it is just the opposite. you often wish you hadn't seen them, hadn't met them. they come and they go-show up unexpectedly and leave as quickly as they came. the friendship is too damn hard...so you move on. you forget. you let go.

when you need them again, however, they'll show up-at the most inconvenient time...they'll fix things and then they'll go. you move on. you forget. you let go. this time though, you become thankful to be intertwined with the person that you didn't choose.