i am thankful to have friends that show up uninvited with food. to have friends that force me out of bed to eat. to have friends that know my family cannot check on me. i love that they make sure i have taken my pain medication. that they surprise me with m&ms after i have eaten. and that they make sure i am comfortable before they leave.
i love them.
Aug 31, 2009
Aug 29, 2009
where is he?
he wants him to come play. where is he mommy? every. single. day. door bell rings...he's here mommy! gets a new race car...i need to show him, mommy! puts on his cape...i need to tackle him mommy!
he doesn't understand. in his 2 year old mind, they were buddies. he misses him. we miss him.
i answer as simply as i think he can understand...he had to go to school.
on friday his teacher asks who adam is. well...hmmmm, why do you ask? bc brody has been looking for his friend adam all day. he says he was supposed to be at school today.
i don't have answers to these questions.
he doesn't understand. in his 2 year old mind, they were buddies. he misses him. we miss him.
i answer as simply as i think he can understand...he had to go to school.
on friday his teacher asks who adam is. well...hmmmm, why do you ask? bc brody has been looking for his friend adam all day. he says he was supposed to be at school today.
i don't have answers to these questions.
run
no clean clothes this morning. typical. this is a con of being single. the only con. i have no one to nag me about doing my laundry. therefore it piles and piles and piles. so if you hear me complain that i have nooooooo clothes, it simply means that they are dirty.
couldn't find running shorts. dig dig dig. dirty. grab an old pair. a few blocks in and i realize with every step they get higher. and then i feel a fall breeze on my upper thigh, way up on my upper thigh, bottom of my ass. evidently, the old pair were a fit me many years ago pair. for anyone that saw a girl running with her butt hanging out this morning....i am sorry to some and you're welcome to others.
i stopped between 2 homes, both with moving trucks. it was a stop or die moment. hands on knees, head down, breathe...the girl starts a conversation with me...or maybe i started with her, don't know. why do i always talk to strangers, i should be more impersonal. she's moving, her boyfriend is moving. both moving from 2 homes to 1 home. neighbors, fell in love, getting married. sweet. convenient. it'll never work. run, girl, run. there is still time.
couldn't find running shorts. dig dig dig. dirty. grab an old pair. a few blocks in and i realize with every step they get higher. and then i feel a fall breeze on my upper thigh, way up on my upper thigh, bottom of my ass. evidently, the old pair were a fit me many years ago pair. for anyone that saw a girl running with her butt hanging out this morning....i am sorry to some and you're welcome to others.
i stopped between 2 homes, both with moving trucks. it was a stop or die moment. hands on knees, head down, breathe...the girl starts a conversation with me...or maybe i started with her, don't know. why do i always talk to strangers, i should be more impersonal. she's moving, her boyfriend is moving. both moving from 2 homes to 1 home. neighbors, fell in love, getting married. sweet. convenient. it'll never work. run, girl, run. there is still time.
fixed
he's still secretly fixing things. i wonder if he just walks around my house inspecting what needs to be fixed or if he randomly notices and feels an urge to fix anything that is broken regardless of whose home it is. either way.
i should leave him a key. let him come inside for water, use the restroom. maybe he would inspect the inside, then fix..well, everything...and um, decorate?
i am kidding, johnny, totally kidding. i won't leave him a key. please do not call and yell at me. but if i come up missing, look for my lawnguy.
i should leave him a key. let him come inside for water, use the restroom. maybe he would inspect the inside, then fix..well, everything...and um, decorate?
i am kidding, johnny, totally kidding. i won't leave him a key. please do not call and yell at me. but if i come up missing, look for my lawnguy.
Aug 26, 2009
dear...
dear carmax guy:
thank you for the kleenex today while you helped me trade my vanity for responsibility.
-kay
thank you for the kleenex today while you helped me trade my vanity for responsibility.
-kay
Aug 25, 2009
untangle
in a couple of months it will mark a year of untangling.
tomorrow, i trade in my vw...for a car in my name. just in my name. the web is so close to being untangled. one by one my ducks are lining up.
problem is i had so many ducks. so many ducks to get in a row. stupid ducks.
tomorrow, i trade in my vw...for a car in my name. just in my name. the web is so close to being untangled. one by one my ducks are lining up.
problem is i had so many ducks. so many ducks to get in a row. stupid ducks.
Aug 23, 2009
funny shoes
3 hours of shoe shopping resulted in no shoes. i wish it were boot season in hawaii.
i remembered something he had said. standing there, alone, shopping for shoes...i remembered and i burst out laughing. surrounded by strangers. strangers that looked at me like i had lost it. then looked at the shoes like there must be something funny about them.
i miss him.
i remembered something he had said. standing there, alone, shopping for shoes...i remembered and i burst out laughing. surrounded by strangers. strangers that looked at me like i had lost it. then looked at the shoes like there must be something funny about them.
i miss him.
Aug 22, 2009
friendship
my best friend. for 13 years. the closest friend i have ever had. i love her. there isn't anything i wouldn't do for her. still. 13 years later.
how were we to know what was in store for us? more than a decade. so many changes. death, marriage, kids, divorce. here we are 13 years later having the same conversations. the same questions. the same fears.
you have to trust me. you have to listen to me. you have to come home.
it's hard. it is. i know.
how were we to know what was in store for us? more than a decade. so many changes. death, marriage, kids, divorce. here we are 13 years later having the same conversations. the same questions. the same fears.
you have to trust me. you have to listen to me. you have to come home.
it's hard. it is. i know.
transitions
i moved brody to a new school last year. from out in the suburbs to downtown kc. from a predominantly white, middle-upper class, tree-hugger school to one with a melting pot of all ethnicities and incomes. i loved his old school but i wanted more for him. i wanted him to learn less about his ABCs and more about culture and character. something i could only teach him by immersing him in.
at only 2 years old, the three strongest women in his life are african-american. some of his best buddies are from low-income families and only attend bc the school & parents raise money for them to go for free. his class ranges from african-american to asian to hispanic to white. some are from high-income families and some are foster children. you would never know.
in this school they are all the same. and these children will grow up not needing to be taught this. they will teach us.
the teachers are from inner city, low-income families. they are hired from within the neighborhood. a neighborhood that just a few blocks away is one of the most dangerous in the city. this school gives them chances. chances no one else did. and with that comes pride.
brody fell in love with his main teacher. i fell in love with her. i hid what was going on at home from her just like i did everyone else. she caught on. but she never asked. instead she would grab my hand and squeeze it. she would hug me for no reason. she would leave me notes telling me that i am a great mom. she knew and she was trying to help.
so yesterday we said goodbye to her as brody transitions into preschool. a very sad goodbye with lots of tears. i gave her a card with a note about how much brody needed her this year, how much i needed her this year and how much we love her. she gave me a card with a note about how much she needed me, how much she loves us and how important my friendship is to her.
two women from very different backgrounds. one that had nothing. one that had everything. and kids from very different backgrounds. some with nothing. some with everything.
and with that comes the affirmation that my child is learning exactly what i wanted him to.
at only 2 years old, the three strongest women in his life are african-american. some of his best buddies are from low-income families and only attend bc the school & parents raise money for them to go for free. his class ranges from african-american to asian to hispanic to white. some are from high-income families and some are foster children. you would never know.
in this school they are all the same. and these children will grow up not needing to be taught this. they will teach us.
the teachers are from inner city, low-income families. they are hired from within the neighborhood. a neighborhood that just a few blocks away is one of the most dangerous in the city. this school gives them chances. chances no one else did. and with that comes pride.
brody fell in love with his main teacher. i fell in love with her. i hid what was going on at home from her just like i did everyone else. she caught on. but she never asked. instead she would grab my hand and squeeze it. she would hug me for no reason. she would leave me notes telling me that i am a great mom. she knew and she was trying to help.
so yesterday we said goodbye to her as brody transitions into preschool. a very sad goodbye with lots of tears. i gave her a card with a note about how much brody needed her this year, how much i needed her this year and how much we love her. she gave me a card with a note about how much she needed me, how much she loves us and how important my friendship is to her.
two women from very different backgrounds. one that had nothing. one that had everything. and kids from very different backgrounds. some with nothing. some with everything.
and with that comes the affirmation that my child is learning exactly what i wanted him to.
Aug 19, 2009
hold you
for nearly 3 years i have heard 'mommy, i need to hold you'. focus on the 'you'...that's the part that tugs at my heartstrings. ok, well, he hasn't really talked for 3 years...change that to 1 year.
last night, he held his arms up and said 'mommy, i need you to hold me'. me. he said me. he didn't say you. my eyes welled. my heart broke.
i don't remember the last time he said 'mommy, i need to hold you.' if i had known it would be the last time, i would have savoured it longer. i didn't know.
last night, he held his arms up and said 'mommy, i need you to hold me'. me. he said me. he didn't say you. my eyes welled. my heart broke.
i don't remember the last time he said 'mommy, i need to hold you.' if i had known it would be the last time, i would have savoured it longer. i didn't know.
Aug 18, 2009
my sidekick
he threw me under the bus. his teachers asked me today why brody keeps telling them his mommy stuck him in the toilet. well, um, bc i did?
brody, you're my sidekick. my partner. my little buddy. it's you & me. me & you. together. from now on. the two of us. i look out for you. you look out for me. we are gonna make mistakes. i am going to accidentally stick your legs in the toilet, you are going to accidentally spill red kool-aid on the living room carpet. it happens. that's the way we roll. but do we really have to tell people? let's work on this, k?
brody, you're my sidekick. my partner. my little buddy. it's you & me. me & you. together. from now on. the two of us. i look out for you. you look out for me. we are gonna make mistakes. i am going to accidentally stick your legs in the toilet, you are going to accidentally spill red kool-aid on the living room carpet. it happens. that's the way we roll. but do we really have to tell people? let's work on this, k?
chi
i have a sick addiction to my chi. sick. i love it. i have been addicted to it for, well, for. like. ever.
the power button wouldn't work this morning. press the red button like usual. no light. f word.
i didn't realize the intensity of my addiction until i didn't have it. press reset. no light. press reset on the outlet. no light. go to another outlet. no light. f word again, this time in all caps.
i can't go to work now. what kind of illness is this? can i work from home? it will take a week to return and replace the broken chi. my illness will have to last a full week.
you know that dream we all have about being completely naked at work? well, i would rather be completely naked at work then to have a broken chi. what? am i the only one that has that dream?
this is sick, right?
the power button wouldn't work this morning. press the red button like usual. no light. f word.
i didn't realize the intensity of my addiction until i didn't have it. press reset. no light. press reset on the outlet. no light. go to another outlet. no light. f word again, this time in all caps.
i can't go to work now. what kind of illness is this? can i work from home? it will take a week to return and replace the broken chi. my illness will have to last a full week.
you know that dream we all have about being completely naked at work? well, i would rather be completely naked at work then to have a broken chi. what? am i the only one that has that dream?
this is sick, right?
Aug 15, 2009
roadtrip
my sidekick and i took off from kc this weekend to head home. picked him up from daycare and threw a pullup on him knowing we had a 3 hour drive ahead of us. now i didn't really want him to pee in his pullup but was fearful he would need to go in-between exits.
we made it more than half-way before he needed to go potty...exit, pull into taco bell, run into the bathroom.
come on-come on-come on bro, go-go-go, run-run-run. we make it. pull his pants down. line lid with toilet paper, stick him on pot.
mommy! i pee'd my pants! i pee'd my pants!
no he didn't. no way. impossible.
look down. oh. my. god.
i stuck my child in the toilet. yep. i did. all the way up to his ankles he was standing in the pot.
unbelievable.
later that evening, a sweet elderly lady asks brody what his name is. much to my dismay, he responds...my mommy stuck me in the toilet.
we made it more than half-way before he needed to go potty...exit, pull into taco bell, run into the bathroom.
come on-come on-come on bro, go-go-go, run-run-run. we make it. pull his pants down. line lid with toilet paper, stick him on pot.
mommy! i pee'd my pants! i pee'd my pants!
no he didn't. no way. impossible.
look down. oh. my. god.
i stuck my child in the toilet. yep. i did. all the way up to his ankles he was standing in the pot.
unbelievable.
later that evening, a sweet elderly lady asks brody what his name is. much to my dismay, he responds...my mommy stuck me in the toilet.
Aug 12, 2009
cereal
i want frosted flakes mommy.
we don't need any frosted flakes, bro.
but i want them mommy.
pick out another kind, honey.
why you crying mommy?
bc we don't need any frosted flakes.
Aug 11, 2009
clear my head
i am not a good runner. it hurts. i am learning. i am trying. i started running before the divorce. it was a means of escape...i was running away from reality and running towards quiet.
when i run my mind is racing, it is far from clear. the world shuts down around me but my thoughts go wild. thoughts that i usually block out.
i ran for 30 minutes, 30 minutes of this...
how did this happen? how did i become a single mom? why couldn't i have been stronger sooner? did i deserve what happened to me? what role did i play? what blame do i own? will i ever forgive? i will never forget.
insert: i am about to pass out.
i am happy now. i was happy before. i was happy for so long. it took 2 years to fall apart. for me to fall apart. 2 years of trying to leave. 2 years of wishing i could ask for help. say the words. say them out loud. it took 2 years to build the courage.
insert: how much longer do i have to run? i am going to die.
will i be ok? i am ok. will i always be ok? was part of this my fault? how did this happen to me? will it happen again? maybe i did deserve it? i didn't deserve it.
insert: i can't breathe. why am i still running?
i can do this. i am doing this. i had to let go. i had to go. i was gone long before i left. i couldn't stay. i couldn't make it go away. i couldn't help him. i couldn't hold him up. i couldn't. not anymore. i couldn't help him without destroying myself.
insert: holy crap, i am going to just fall over and die.
i can see my new street. i love this street. i can't believe i live here. how is this mine? who was watching over me? how did everything fall into place? how is it possible for me to be completely thankful? how did i build the courage to leave? how did i become strong enough to walk away? will i always be this strong? i will.
insert: wait, this isn't my street...i still have 1 more block to run. shit.
i can see my house now. i love it. love. i am blessed. i am thankful. i am happy. my run is over and my head is now clear.
when i run my mind is racing, it is far from clear. the world shuts down around me but my thoughts go wild. thoughts that i usually block out.
i ran for 30 minutes, 30 minutes of this...
how did this happen? how did i become a single mom? why couldn't i have been stronger sooner? did i deserve what happened to me? what role did i play? what blame do i own? will i ever forgive? i will never forget.
insert: i am about to pass out.
i am happy now. i was happy before. i was happy for so long. it took 2 years to fall apart. for me to fall apart. 2 years of trying to leave. 2 years of wishing i could ask for help. say the words. say them out loud. it took 2 years to build the courage.
insert: how much longer do i have to run? i am going to die.
will i be ok? i am ok. will i always be ok? was part of this my fault? how did this happen to me? will it happen again? maybe i did deserve it? i didn't deserve it.
insert: i can't breathe. why am i still running?
i can do this. i am doing this. i had to let go. i had to go. i was gone long before i left. i couldn't stay. i couldn't make it go away. i couldn't help him. i couldn't hold him up. i couldn't. not anymore. i couldn't help him without destroying myself.
insert: holy crap, i am going to just fall over and die.
i can see my new street. i love this street. i can't believe i live here. how is this mine? who was watching over me? how did everything fall into place? how is it possible for me to be completely thankful? how did i build the courage to leave? how did i become strong enough to walk away? will i always be this strong? i will.
insert: wait, this isn't my street...i still have 1 more block to run. shit.
i can see my house now. i love it. love. i am blessed. i am thankful. i am happy. my run is over and my head is now clear.
Aug 10, 2009
battles
*throw hands in hair, stomp to room* i am NOT taking a bath, moooommmmy! i need to go to bed! i need to go STRAIGHT to bed!
really? this is the battle you want to pick with me? come on. have i taught you nothing? you get your way with just about everything...i have practically no rules. now your dad? he has rules. but here? you have it made, you can just look at me and get your way.
so here's the deal kid. when you want to battle it out with me, it needs to be for something good- like cookies before dinner, not wanting to pick up your toys or refusing to put on underwear when you prefer to run around naked. now those are things worth fighting for...but a bath? sheesh. i have lots to teach you still.
really? this is the battle you want to pick with me? come on. have i taught you nothing? you get your way with just about everything...i have practically no rules. now your dad? he has rules. but here? you have it made, you can just look at me and get your way.
so here's the deal kid. when you want to battle it out with me, it needs to be for something good- like cookies before dinner, not wanting to pick up your toys or refusing to put on underwear when you prefer to run around naked. now those are things worth fighting for...but a bath? sheesh. i have lots to teach you still.
cakes
dear cake strings:
i love your cakes. i need a cake. i am even willing to drive 30 minutes deep into the backwoods to a strange little trailer park village to get to your home. i realize that i will get lost, my 30 minute drive will turn into a couple of hours and i will be scared by the odd people that live by you...but i will come.
...but your baby making activities are really interfering with my child's birthday parties. this is the 2nd year in a row. i realize you need to take care of your newborns...but could you start procreating at a time other than the fall? and could you stop having them every single year. i mean, really, do you need all those kids? please come out of maternity leave. i am begging. i need a lightning mcqueen cake.
-kay
i love your cakes. i need a cake. i am even willing to drive 30 minutes deep into the backwoods to a strange little trailer park village to get to your home. i realize that i will get lost, my 30 minute drive will turn into a couple of hours and i will be scared by the odd people that live by you...but i will come.
...but your baby making activities are really interfering with my child's birthday parties. this is the 2nd year in a row. i realize you need to take care of your newborns...but could you start procreating at a time other than the fall? and could you stop having them every single year. i mean, really, do you need all those kids? please come out of maternity leave. i am begging. i need a lightning mcqueen cake.
-kay
Aug 9, 2009
juice
i have never talked baby talk to my child. in fact, if anyone talks baby talk to him i ask them to stop. i don't understand adult baby talk...but today i started re-thinking my rules.
mid-day pop run, taco bell drive thru for a mountain dew.
brody, you want juice?
yep
order. they don't have juice. ok, we'll take fruit punch.
i don't want fruit punch, mooooooommy!! i want juice!
it basically is juice, bro
it's bagels & juice?
no, fruit punch is basically juice.
bagels & juice?
no, it's basically the same thing.
it's bagels & things?
it's juice. it's red juice. we are getting you red juice.
but i want bagels
*holy crap*
get to wal-mart. take the fruit punch in the store. guy asks 'whatcha drinkin' buddy?'...
brody's reply?...juice, basically.
mid-day pop run, taco bell drive thru for a mountain dew.
brody, you want juice?
yep
order. they don't have juice. ok, we'll take fruit punch.
i don't want fruit punch, mooooooommy!! i want juice!
it basically is juice, bro
it's bagels & juice?
no, fruit punch is basically juice.
bagels & juice?
no, it's basically the same thing.
it's bagels & things?
it's juice. it's red juice. we are getting you red juice.
but i want bagels
*holy crap*
get to wal-mart. take the fruit punch in the store. guy asks 'whatcha drinkin' buddy?'...
brody's reply?...juice, basically.
Aug 8, 2009
phone calls
when i need my mom, i call. ok, really i call her all of the time. daily, in fact. ok, so sometimes more than once a day. i never even have anything to say, i just call to hear her voice. but when i really need her, i call and wait for her to realize that i need her. i say hi. we do some small talk. i get quiet. more small talk, more quiet. she catches on, 'honey, are you ok?'...and today she got the 'noooooooo...sob sob sob'.
my poor mom. she has too many kids. i should stop tricking her and just tell her when i need someone to talk to.
my poor mom. she has too many kids. i should stop tricking her and just tell her when i need someone to talk to.
goodbye
today was a day of goodbyes. a day of i can't believe you are leaving. a day of reminding myself that i knew this was coming. a day of, kay, you set yourself up for this. a day of wipe the tears away. a day of keep wiping and keep crying, it is ok to cry. a day of i miss you already. and a day of knowing that i have many more days like this to come.
Aug 5, 2009
Aug 3, 2009
who fixed that?
i am watching you. do you know that i am home? i can see you through my window.
things have been working in reverse for me. i used to notice things out of the ordinary and think 'how did that break?'. now, i see things out of the ordinary and think 'who fixed that?'.
i knew it. i knew it was you. i pay you $25/week to mow my lawn. and you show up with not a lawnmower, but a tool box.
fixing things that are broken. not telling me. not charging me. just fixing it.
your secret is safe with me. i won't let you know that i know. but thank you. thank you for fixing my step. thank you for fixing brody's slide. thank you for all the other things that you secretly fixed while i will continue to pretend to not know who fixed them. thank you for taking care of us.
things have been working in reverse for me. i used to notice things out of the ordinary and think 'how did that break?'. now, i see things out of the ordinary and think 'who fixed that?'.
i knew it. i knew it was you. i pay you $25/week to mow my lawn. and you show up with not a lawnmower, but a tool box.
fixing things that are broken. not telling me. not charging me. just fixing it.
your secret is safe with me. i won't let you know that i know. but thank you. thank you for fixing my step. thank you for fixing brody's slide. thank you for all the other things that you secretly fixed while i will continue to pretend to not know who fixed them. thank you for taking care of us.
Aug 1, 2009
my favs
this morning i am hanging out with my two favorite boys. one running around in his lightning mcqueen underwear and the other cuddled up with a comfy blanket snoozing on my couch. it's a simple saturday. a simple saturday that you never want to end.
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