clear my head

i am not a good runner. it hurts. i am learning. i am trying. i started running before the divorce. it was a means of escape...i was running away from reality and running towards quiet.

when i run my mind is racing, it is far from clear. the world shuts down around me but my thoughts go wild. thoughts that i usually block out.

i ran for 30 minutes, 30 minutes of this...

how did this happen? how did i become a single mom? why couldn't i have been stronger sooner? did i deserve what happened to me? what role did i play? what blame do i own? will i ever forgive? i will never forget.
insert: i am about to pass out.
i am happy now. i was happy before. i was happy for so long. it took 2 years to fall apart. for me to fall apart. 2 years of trying to leave. 2 years of wishing i could ask for help. say the words. say them out loud. it took 2 years to build the courage.
insert: how much longer do i have to run? i am going to die.
will i be ok? i am ok. will i always be ok? was part of this my fault? how did this happen to me? will it happen again? maybe i did deserve it? i didn't deserve it.
insert: i can't breathe. why am i still running?
i can do this. i am doing this. i had to let go. i had to go. i was gone long before i left. i couldn't stay. i couldn't make it go away. i couldn't help him. i couldn't hold him up. i couldn't. not anymore. i couldn't help him without destroying myself.
insert: holy crap, i am going to just fall over and die.
i can see my new street. i love this street. i can't believe i live here. how is this mine? who was watching over me? how did everything fall into place? how is it possible for me to be completely thankful? how did i build the courage to leave? how did i become strong enough to walk away? will i always be this strong? i will.
insert: wait, this isn't my street...i still have 1 more block to run. shit.
i can see my house now. i love it. love. i am blessed. i am thankful. i am happy. my run is over and my head is now clear.