my normal is good days and bad days. good weeks and bad weeks. this is me. this is what a divorce will do. this is my new normal.
i have weeks where everything is quiet. where i am making leaps. where i am happy, thankful and i can breathe.
and then i have weeks when everything feels as if it is broken. as if i am broken. and my quiet becomes ridicule. my breathing becomes suffocation. and my leaps jump backwards.
and i learned months ago to ask for help.
so i do. and i did.
today i had 10 phone calls and 10+ emails from friends and family all pulling me back up. making sure i don't fall. holding me up. 20+ people circling around me. how can you fall with that many people protecting you.
Jul 29, 2009
shake it off
tonight i am a little bit broken. with the good comes the bad and a squeaky little voice telling me to shake it off. get up and shake it off. it's a squeaky annoying little voice with good intentions but i need it to take a rest already. the voice. and reality. can they both just take a lil vacation from my life?
Jul 14, 2009
Jul 13, 2009
we wrecked
we were on our way back from the park. brody was hunting for animals and i was enjoying the nice weather. i forgot to buckle him. we hit a bump. he went flying.
...out of his stroller that is.
a couple scrapes and boo boo kisses later and we were back on our way. i buckled him. then my flip flop broke. *sigh*
...out of his stroller that is.
a couple scrapes and boo boo kisses later and we were back on our way. i buckled him. then my flip flop broke. *sigh*
Jul 10, 2009
i'm not the only one
i am supposed to be packing. instead i got sucked into drinking wine and watching re-runs of kendra. i haven't packed one box.
i am however relieved to know that i am not the only girl to sleep with her pants on. what i mean by this is that i have a paranoia that someone is going to break into my house. and when they do i need to be prepared to grab my baby and get the hell out. and when i bust out the front door, i would prefer to have pants on.
so every night, no matter how hot it is, i make sure to sleep with either pants or shorts on.
evidently, kendra's playboy bunny friend has the same fear. whew, i am glad to not be alone.
i am however relieved to know that i am not the only girl to sleep with her pants on. what i mean by this is that i have a paranoia that someone is going to break into my house. and when they do i need to be prepared to grab my baby and get the hell out. and when i bust out the front door, i would prefer to have pants on.
so every night, no matter how hot it is, i make sure to sleep with either pants or shorts on.
evidently, kendra's playboy bunny friend has the same fear. whew, i am glad to not be alone.
Jul 7, 2009
tummy aches
i am home with a 2 yr old tummy ache today. the thing about tummy aches is that they come and go. one minute the tummy really does hurt and the next minute the tummy is sprinting around the house. i don't know if i am supposed to make him rest or find ways to keep him entertained.
'hold me' has turned into homiehomiehomiehomiehomie...and when i do homiehomiehomie him, he is so heavy. sigh.
i read on a mommy blog to entertain with aluminum foil. so i got out the paints, the aluminum foil and a cardboard tube and let him go wild. he didn't go wild. he quietly painted a race car track and told me to throw the trash away. hmph.
he has also decided today that he is no longer potty trained. 'i am not a big boy, i am a baby', says brody. and his continual peeing on the floor causes me to use an over-abundance of paper towels that i am not supposed to be using. ahem, we're green now..remember? and i have yet to understand why little boy business is so powerful that it shoots across the room even with undies on.
i tried making him a cave. and realized i had never made a cave. i have only watched my nephews make caves. it turned out ok. maybe he will fall asleep in it.
'hold me' has turned into homiehomiehomiehomiehomie...and when i do homiehomiehomie him, he is so heavy. sigh.
i read on a mommy blog to entertain with aluminum foil. so i got out the paints, the aluminum foil and a cardboard tube and let him go wild. he didn't go wild. he quietly painted a race car track and told me to throw the trash away. hmph.
he has also decided today that he is no longer potty trained. 'i am not a big boy, i am a baby', says brody. and his continual peeing on the floor causes me to use an over-abundance of paper towels that i am not supposed to be using. ahem, we're green now..remember? and i have yet to understand why little boy business is so powerful that it shoots across the room even with undies on.
i tried making him a cave. and realized i had never made a cave. i have only watched my nephews make caves. it turned out ok. maybe he will fall asleep in it.
Jul 5, 2009
goin' green
i am doing it kicking & screaming but going green nonetheless. little by little. step by step. i hate it. it's hard. my life is already complicated, busy, messy and completely unorganized.
i am shamelessly guilty of being the only person on our block without the little blue recycle tub. i am guilty of using way too many paper towels, i love them-they are my best friend. i don't dispose of paint or other harmful substances properly, i sneak them in my trashcan hoping the trash men won't notice. i use paper coffee cups every morning at work...add the sleeve, double the shame. i buy brand new books instead of using the library. i take long showers. i do not use biodegradable anything. i do not use CFL bulbs. i own cloth grocery bags but forget to take them into the store every. single. time.
i am single-handedly destroying our earth. or at least my part of the earth. my little village part.
as brody & i become new home owners, i am making a promise to become a green family.
my first steps are:
1) buy CFL bulbs for every room...i will suck it up and get used to the white light
2) i will use less paper towels. i will find a way. deep. whiny. sigh.
3) i will get a sweet lil blue recycle box like all of my neighbors
4) i will start making my own coffee at work, with my own little coffee mug. boo.
5) if (when) i forget to take in my cloth grocery bags, i will go get them before i check out
things that i refuse to do:
1) stop buying books. sorry. i tried the library. it is dark. it is stinky. the books are sticky. ick.
2) flush less. sorry, but no.
3) compost. nope. no way.
i am shamelessly guilty of being the only person on our block without the little blue recycle tub. i am guilty of using way too many paper towels, i love them-they are my best friend. i don't dispose of paint or other harmful substances properly, i sneak them in my trashcan hoping the trash men won't notice. i use paper coffee cups every morning at work...add the sleeve, double the shame. i buy brand new books instead of using the library. i take long showers. i do not use biodegradable anything. i do not use CFL bulbs. i own cloth grocery bags but forget to take them into the store every. single. time.
i am single-handedly destroying our earth. or at least my part of the earth. my little village part.
as brody & i become new home owners, i am making a promise to become a green family.
my first steps are:
1) buy CFL bulbs for every room...i will suck it up and get used to the white light
2) i will use less paper towels. i will find a way. deep. whiny. sigh.
3) i will get a sweet lil blue recycle box like all of my neighbors
4) i will start making my own coffee at work, with my own little coffee mug. boo.
5) if (when) i forget to take in my cloth grocery bags, i will go get them before i check out
things that i refuse to do:
1) stop buying books. sorry. i tried the library. it is dark. it is stinky. the books are sticky. ick.
2) flush less. sorry, but no.
3) compost. nope. no way.
Jul 4, 2009
the tub
lowes failed me today. i am so loyal to them and up until today they have been loyal to me.
i understand their signs. i am able to navigate my way through their store with little help from their employees. when i do need help, they are nice to me and never make me feel stupid although my questions are usually just that, stupid. i walk in with complicated descriptions of what i need and sometimes i draw pictures for them, they always help me.
today though, they failed me. they broke my heart. i am on a break from them.
i need a new tub for the new house. and i need it day one of move in. my plans were to set up installation the day we take ownership. found a tub. easy.
asked the guy to help answer some questions. before i even finished my first question of 'when you install...', he cut me off. they don't install tubs. wait. you don't install tubs? nope.
are you going to force me to...dare i say...go to home depot? nope. they don't install tubs either. at this point, the poor guy experienced my tears. it's my new thing. i am not mad or sad...but the tears come before the emotions and i can't stop them.
so now i have an old tub in the new house that i need to get rid of. how do i pull it out? i have a new tub at lowes that they won't deliver or install for me. i can't carry it and i sure as hell don't know how to install it.
i want to do things on my own. i do. i try. ok, so really i just try to pay other people to do it...but when that fails it is easier to cry and wish my brother-n-law lived here.
i understand their signs. i am able to navigate my way through their store with little help from their employees. when i do need help, they are nice to me and never make me feel stupid although my questions are usually just that, stupid. i walk in with complicated descriptions of what i need and sometimes i draw pictures for them, they always help me.
today though, they failed me. they broke my heart. i am on a break from them.
i need a new tub for the new house. and i need it day one of move in. my plans were to set up installation the day we take ownership. found a tub. easy.
asked the guy to help answer some questions. before i even finished my first question of 'when you install...', he cut me off. they don't install tubs. wait. you don't install tubs? nope.
are you going to force me to...dare i say...go to home depot? nope. they don't install tubs either. at this point, the poor guy experienced my tears. it's my new thing. i am not mad or sad...but the tears come before the emotions and i can't stop them.
so now i have an old tub in the new house that i need to get rid of. how do i pull it out? i have a new tub at lowes that they won't deliver or install for me. i can't carry it and i sure as hell don't know how to install it.
i want to do things on my own. i do. i try. ok, so really i just try to pay other people to do it...but when that fails it is easier to cry and wish my brother-n-law lived here.
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