http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090429205411462
sadly, this short movie that i made is loosely based on my reality last friday. and yes, little one is me.
Apr 29, 2009
Apr 28, 2009
self-defense failures
when brody & i first moved, i wasn't sure how i would adapt to living alone. coincidentally, around moving time my company sponsored a 2-day self-defense course with kcpd. now up until this point, i was really only afraid of ghosts (deathly afraid, refer to cricket post) but master sgt james shriever managed to put the fear of god in me ranging from a simple trip to the grocery store to innocently walking to my car in the morning. his exact words were 'grab him by his scrotum, twist as hard as you can until it pops...then if you can, kill him...bc a dead man can't talk'...(and before you go to google search, yes they do pop).
so i likely won't twist scrotums or kill people, but i did learn some basic common sense steps...look everyone in the eye, always keep your head up, don't be easily distracted, never roll your window down, etc. easy enough. problem is i remember the rules in retrospect.
failure #1) toys-r-us parking lot waiting for my mom...a hand-off in columbia to pick up my 2 year old. she is running behind so i hang out in my car waiting. i notice a lady a few spots away get out of her car walking towards mine...i am at the far end of the parking lot, no cars around...not sure what she wants so i roll my window down. out of gas, no money, baby in car, please help. i give her $20. her eyes light up and she runs from the passenger window to the driver window to give me a hug...what do i do? i roll down the window again. as she is thanking me and hugging me, i remember the rules- never roll down your window for anyone. shit.
failure #2) driving to avila university this morning on the way to a marketing seminar. running late, no coffee yet, not sure which building to go to. see a sign that says event parking'...so park there. get out of my car and a guy in a white van opens the door and says get in. what do i do? i get in. he closes van door and is walking back to driver's side when i remember the rules- never park near a van (or get in one). shit.
my sister thinks i should replace all of my doors with safer ones (note: this is the same sister that tried to use a shotgun to hit someone over the head). my dad thinks i should get a gun. my self-defense officer thinks i need a big dog. my friend thinks i need a security system. none of which would have helped me in above situations. lucky for me failure #1 did not stab me and failure #2 really was a shuttle driver.
so i likely won't twist scrotums or kill people, but i did learn some basic common sense steps...look everyone in the eye, always keep your head up, don't be easily distracted, never roll your window down, etc. easy enough. problem is i remember the rules in retrospect.
failure #1) toys-r-us parking lot waiting for my mom...a hand-off in columbia to pick up my 2 year old. she is running behind so i hang out in my car waiting. i notice a lady a few spots away get out of her car walking towards mine...i am at the far end of the parking lot, no cars around...not sure what she wants so i roll my window down. out of gas, no money, baby in car, please help. i give her $20. her eyes light up and she runs from the passenger window to the driver window to give me a hug...what do i do? i roll down the window again. as she is thanking me and hugging me, i remember the rules- never roll down your window for anyone. shit.
failure #2) driving to avila university this morning on the way to a marketing seminar. running late, no coffee yet, not sure which building to go to. see a sign that says event parking'...so park there. get out of my car and a guy in a white van opens the door and says get in. what do i do? i get in. he closes van door and is walking back to driver's side when i remember the rules- never park near a van (or get in one). shit.
my sister thinks i should replace all of my doors with safer ones (note: this is the same sister that tried to use a shotgun to hit someone over the head). my dad thinks i should get a gun. my self-defense officer thinks i need a big dog. my friend thinks i need a security system. none of which would have helped me in above situations. lucky for me failure #1 did not stab me and failure #2 really was a shuttle driver.
Apr 23, 2009
spidery crickets
camel cricket. the official name of the spidery cricket that attacked me the other night. i had just put a load of clothes in the dryer and was on my way back upstairs. it is a plain, concrete basement with steep stairs so i always leave brody upstairs and go down alone. now if you know me pretty well, then you know i am deathly afraid of ghosts...so when i do laundry down there i do it as quickly as possible and race back up the stairs before anything can get me.
shut the door to the dryer and am about to start my sprint back up when i notice a big spider. i am sort of afraid of spiders but i will kill them...i don't run and scream bc i know they are more scared of me...so i just smash them. done. i walk towards it, he sort of blends into the concrete floor and the closer i get the bigger he gets...i bend down and the goddamn thing jumped on me. before i could even get a scream out, i was spinning in circles trying to swipe him off of me.
shut the door to the dryer and am about to start my sprint back up when i notice a big spider. i am sort of afraid of spiders but i will kill them...i don't run and scream bc i know they are more scared of me...so i just smash them. done. i walk towards it, he sort of blends into the concrete floor and the closer i get the bigger he gets...i bend down and the goddamn thing jumped on me. before i could even get a scream out, i was spinning in circles trying to swipe him off of me.
he is back on the floor, still alive. i run to the other side of the basement to get away from him. i either have to kill him or never go into the basement again. i look for something to kill him with. problem is there isn't much in my basement- a washer, a dryer and a few paint cans...first two are too heavy so i settle for the paint can.
walk towards the spidery cricket, he is just sitting there staring at me...waiting, taunting me. i bend down to smash him and he chases me...the goddamn thing started chasing me...i run, scream, cry, scream, jump, scream...we do this back and forth a few times before i finally win and crush him to death with the paint can.
i would much prefer a haunted basement than one full of killer crickets.
Apr 7, 2009
bunnies are scary
human bunnies that is. the anthropomorphic, human-like, life-sized bunnies scattered throughout the kc plaza scare the hell out of me.everything about easter confuses me-bunnies, chicks, even the eggs. the basket is supposed to represent a gift from the easter bunny, right...much like gifts from santa. so the bunny fills the basket with eggs...but bunnies don't lay eggs...or do they? see, it's confusing. i know they don't lay eggs, but i start to question myself when i try to understand the reasoning behind life-size bunnies, baskets and eggs.
to make matters worse, every night we have to see these pitifully creepy human bunnies standing alongside nemo.
falling cars
a prescription for disaster. we saw the same thing in chi-town...if this is the future for parking garages, i am screwed.
Apr 5, 2009
an intruder
give or take a couple of years, my sister & i are essentially the same person. same voice, same laugh, same eyes, love the same people, hate the same people...more of the same same same... and unfortunately for her, the same luckless adventures.
that being said, my funny today is at her expense rather than my own. based on her recollection, i will retell the events of her friday night. sis, keep me honest if i miss anything.
3am. girls are sound asleep in their rooms, josh is at grandma's, husband at work, dogs locked in the garage. she awakes to loud barking & howling. opens door to garage, yells at dogs to shut up...barking continues, she opens door to garage again but this time hears a gentle 'tap tap tap' coming from the outside. dogs still going nuts.
realizing someone is outside, she runs from door to door making sure they are locked. runs to the bedroom closet to grab the shotgun. climbs up to the top shelf...a fishing pole. what the hell is she supposed to do with a fishing pole. searches some more, finds the shotgun. no bullets. finds the bullets, realizes she doesn't know how to load the bullets. also realizes she doesn't know how to shoot a shotgun. decides to use the shotgun to hit the intruder over the head (bc that is every intruder's worst fear...a girl with a shotgun that has no clue how to use it but is threatening to hit him over the head with it).
opens garage door again, more prepared this time (you know, with the unloaded gun and all). tap tap tap. her heart is racing. tap tap tap. she sees movement outside the garage window. stands still in fear and sees a male's face peeking in. it's kyhl. our nephew. our inebriated nephew that has walked 4 miles in the country at 3am to get to their house. case closed.
as she is telling me the story, i couldn't help but ask a few questions-
1) did you remember to run downstairs to check those doors? no, i was too scared to walk down the stairs
2) what were you going to do with a fishing pole? i don't know but it was all i could find at first
3) why do you have a fishing pole in your bedroom closet? i don't know, kaylen!
4) why did you try to find a shotgun when you don't know how to use one? i didn't realize i didn't know how to use it until i was holding it
5) why did you think you could hit him over the head with a shotgun? it was all i had
6) why didn't you call 911? i forgot, i will next time
i still think she might hit kyhl over the head with that shotgun...hopefully, for his sake, she uses the fishing pole instead.
that being said, my funny today is at her expense rather than my own. based on her recollection, i will retell the events of her friday night. sis, keep me honest if i miss anything.
3am. girls are sound asleep in their rooms, josh is at grandma's, husband at work, dogs locked in the garage. she awakes to loud barking & howling. opens door to garage, yells at dogs to shut up...barking continues, she opens door to garage again but this time hears a gentle 'tap tap tap' coming from the outside. dogs still going nuts.
realizing someone is outside, she runs from door to door making sure they are locked. runs to the bedroom closet to grab the shotgun. climbs up to the top shelf...a fishing pole. what the hell is she supposed to do with a fishing pole. searches some more, finds the shotgun. no bullets. finds the bullets, realizes she doesn't know how to load the bullets. also realizes she doesn't know how to shoot a shotgun. decides to use the shotgun to hit the intruder over the head (bc that is every intruder's worst fear...a girl with a shotgun that has no clue how to use it but is threatening to hit him over the head with it).
opens garage door again, more prepared this time (you know, with the unloaded gun and all). tap tap tap. her heart is racing. tap tap tap. she sees movement outside the garage window. stands still in fear and sees a male's face peeking in. it's kyhl. our nephew. our inebriated nephew that has walked 4 miles in the country at 3am to get to their house. case closed.
as she is telling me the story, i couldn't help but ask a few questions-
1) did you remember to run downstairs to check those doors? no, i was too scared to walk down the stairs
2) what were you going to do with a fishing pole? i don't know but it was all i could find at first
3) why do you have a fishing pole in your bedroom closet? i don't know, kaylen!
4) why did you try to find a shotgun when you don't know how to use one? i didn't realize i didn't know how to use it until i was holding it
5) why did you think you could hit him over the head with a shotgun? it was all i had
6) why didn't you call 911? i forgot, i will next time
i still think she might hit kyhl over the head with that shotgun...hopefully, for his sake, she uses the fishing pole instead.
Apr 1, 2009
conflict in the toy aisle
we were at our hangout, the toy aisle-more specifically the matchbox cars aisle. it's usually just brody & i...others come and go...but we linger. it takes a very long time to pick out the perfect matchbox car that we likely already have at home.
a little boy (maybe 5 yrs old) walks down our aisle. alone. much like brody, he looks at the cars in amazement (they are amazing, afterall). i suspect his mommy is right around the corner...tic toc...minutes pass and he is still alone. i ask him where his mommy is. bad timing. here comes mommy. i look at her with a sense of thankfulness, 'whew, there is his mom' yet she looks at me with accusation. i realize what is going thru her mind. kidnapper.
she moves him away from me as if i am going to snatch him right in front of her. evidently she did not notice my cart full of groceries or my 2 year old toddler on the ground surrounded by toys that i will have to pretend to buy but instead hide throughout all the other aisles when he turns his head...even if i were going to kidnap him, i simply didn't have room for him.
i overhear her tell him to pick out a car for his trip. he does. she says no. he picks another, she says no. finally he turns to me and asks for help. can't blame the little guy-from his perspective i was his new caregiver not a stranger. we picked out the perfect car together. another look shot my way. mommy says no.
like any loving mother, i snap... "if you are going to keep telling him no, then why don't you just help him?" in a very polite yet utterly hateful voice she apologizes but says she was uncomfortable with me speaking to her child in her absence.
lady...repeat what you just said- in your absence...you left him. period. you. left. him. alone.
my response was just as polite yet with a hidden undertone..."i don't love when strangers talk to my child either. i get that, i do. i also do not leave my child alone, ever." those were the words out of my mouth but the words in my head were, if i were going to kidnap a kid it would be one cuter than yours...and you have a fat ass.
kay
a little boy (maybe 5 yrs old) walks down our aisle. alone. much like brody, he looks at the cars in amazement (they are amazing, afterall). i suspect his mommy is right around the corner...tic toc...minutes pass and he is still alone. i ask him where his mommy is. bad timing. here comes mommy. i look at her with a sense of thankfulness, 'whew, there is his mom' yet she looks at me with accusation. i realize what is going thru her mind. kidnapper.
she moves him away from me as if i am going to snatch him right in front of her. evidently she did not notice my cart full of groceries or my 2 year old toddler on the ground surrounded by toys that i will have to pretend to buy but instead hide throughout all the other aisles when he turns his head...even if i were going to kidnap him, i simply didn't have room for him.
i overhear her tell him to pick out a car for his trip. he does. she says no. he picks another, she says no. finally he turns to me and asks for help. can't blame the little guy-from his perspective i was his new caregiver not a stranger. we picked out the perfect car together. another look shot my way. mommy says no.
like any loving mother, i snap... "if you are going to keep telling him no, then why don't you just help him?" in a very polite yet utterly hateful voice she apologizes but says she was uncomfortable with me speaking to her child in her absence.
lady...repeat what you just said- in your absence...you left him. period. you. left. him. alone.
my response was just as polite yet with a hidden undertone..."i don't love when strangers talk to my child either. i get that, i do. i also do not leave my child alone, ever." those were the words out of my mouth but the words in my head were, if i were going to kidnap a kid it would be one cuter than yours...and you have a fat ass.
kay
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
