i am saying goodbye to this blog soon (sniff sniff). this documentation of healing. of grace. of breaking. of rebuilding. of a little boy and his momma. of looking at life straight in the eye.
before doing so, i need to thank you for reading about my life over the past two years. and for believing i was far bigger than what was happening around me.

i also need to thank my sister, who in the midst of raising her own family and living nearly three hours away, listened. she just listened. and oh boy did she have lots of listening to do. she knew what i needed. bc she just knows. after thousands & thousands of shared memories, she just knows what to do. she is my lifeline to myself. my reminder of every age we have ever been, who i was then, who i am now and everything in-between.

i've had an old royals cup at work for like ever. i fill it up at the water machine instead of buying bottled water. i want to say it's to save the earth but the truth is it's just closer to my desk than the cafe.

i get so pissed though bc it never just fills up in a steady stream. i have to manipulate it. like move the cup back and forth. up and down. side to side. and it just stops. like it's tricking me. after a few cuss words, i walk away in complete frustration. every single time.

i mean, why won't the damn thing work?

so i got a new cup. the other one was old and i don't even like the royals.

the new one is orange. with polk-a-dots. pink polk-a-dots. and a lid. and a straw.

and guess what? the water machine miraculously works now. evidently the sensor can't sense clear cups. just colored cups.

it took me 11 years to figure that out.

there isn't a box big enough in the world to mail a 2' long rapunzel wig.
in case you were needing to do that today too.
to save you the trouble, you will need 2 postal workers and a helpful onlooker to go through every box in the back room of post office.
when that fails, you will need to remove the wig from the ridiculously long box.
then re-wrap it using priority mailer tape.
bc the post office doesn't just let you use the clear scotch tape.
then just for fun, stand there holding the 2' long blonde wig to see how many people will ask what you are doing.

i was fighting at school today with my friend, david.
are you supposed to fight with your friends, brody?
well, i fight-ed with him, then i stopped being his friend and asked gentry to be my friend.
how would you feel if someone did that to you, brody?
well, then i would fight them.
but we don't fight our friends. we are loyal and kind to our friends.
well david's not my friend anymore bc he pulled my shirt.
why did he pull your shirt?
bc i pulled his shirt first.
why did you pull your friend's shirt?
bc the teachers weren't looking.
do you think it's ok to fight with your friends when your teachers aren't looking?
ya, bc then i don't get in trouble.
but you should never be mean to or fight with your friends, brody.
ya, i know. except when the teachers aren't looking.

oh.my.god.

mommy, you don't know nothing and james knows everything!

well, little buddy, i do know that you just used a double negative and the james that knows everything put his shoes on the wrong feet this morning. so i know a little something.

to be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing it's best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. - e.e. cummings

that's all i know.

brody turned 4 last month.



the only thing in the world that matters are superheroes.

according to him, he knows his superheroes. much like he knows his ABCs and 123s. they are equally important.

his best friend changes everyday. i am never one of them. and that's ok. it just means he can never trade me in for a different best friend.


he pulls my pants down all the time now. like for real pulls them down. and he never gets in trouble bc the deep-in-his-gut laugh melts my heart.

and he can fly now. i mean, sort of. i am his vehicle that allows him to fly. so really he can't fly. he's more like a pilot. but i would never tell him. it would break his heart.

do you remember this post?

well. i'm dying again. and my sidekick is here as my witness. again. his dad is not, however, out of town this time. he's just too much of a (jerk) busy person to watch (be responsible for) him.

thankfully i have superhero shows, spongebob, ice cream, popcorn and an iPad to keep him occupied while i...well, die.

brody was such a good, sweet little helper in the last post. almost two years ago. when he was 2. sweet, innocent 2. this time though instead of rubbing my tummy, he has instead offered to punch me in the stomach. so that's nice.

and james? he's not around to help tonight either. it might have something to do with last night when he came over and i had a hole in my pants and a stain on my shirt. brody wouldn't go to bed so james had to put him to bed for me for the first time. he ran into my room at 3am to get in bed with us, i let him crawl in trying not to wake up james but brody needed to talk about superheroes for a bit, duh...and milk, i think i remember a story about milk. by 5am he cried bc he needed to be in the middle so we could crowd him. i let him in the middle and although he didn't kick me, pretty sure he kicked james. and well, there just weren't enough blankets for us and james. so ya, he's not here. you think he'll come back?

would you rather spend a week on the beach or a week on the slopes?
beach. always. um, until dec when i hit the slopes for the first time. how did this happen? who am i? a little scared. not gonna lie. are there bears in the mountains of utah? and do people fall off the lifts?

how old are you?
the perfect age. no more fear. no more indecisiveness. no more trying to be what you think you are supposed to be but know you aren't. i'm just here. where i'm supposed to be. at this age. happy is a struggle. but with every birthday comes more happy. more grace. more dignity. more wisdom.

would you rather watch ‘hoarders’ or ‘i didn’t know i was pregnant’?
um. hmmmm. well a home can be cleaned. a baby is forever. but a cute little baby would be a more welcome surprise than a dead cat under the rug. i need to think on this one before i commit.

would you rather wear ballet flats … boots …or flip flops?
stupid question. i wear boots with holes in them. i have separation anxiety about taking them to shoe repair store.

would you rather live on a farm …in the city….or be content in suburbia?
i will never live in the suburbs again. ever. you could offer me a free home. and a land rover. and tell me i never had to work again and i still would not move back to the suburbs. i'm happy right here where i am. with all my pretty trees.

would you rather drive a mini van or mini cooper?
would not drive a mini anything. i do like james' mini car though. he would not appreciate me calling it mini. nor would he ever let me drive it.

would you rather go to a movie or a play?
you are supposed to say play when asked this question. but last night after i took brody to the movies with our unlimited movie passes from B, he looked at me and said "mommy, i love you. thank you for always taking me to the movies". so my answer is to a movie. for the rest of my life.

would you rather have a cupcake or a bag of chips?
cupcakes with lots of icing & lots of sprinkles. and i would eat 2. duh.

would you rather sit and read or watch a favorite show?
sit & read. in bed. at night. in sweats. with lots of covers. unless the book sucks. which happens often. never trust a recommendation or a book club.

when was the last time you slow danced?
since wedding receptions shouldn't count as an answer, it's been a long time. sometimes though when james hugs me he doesn't let go. and he sways. and he kisses my forehead. and it makes me love him. so i think that counts.

would you rather sit and dream or live your dream?
i sat and dreamed for many years. then i walked away. and started living.

would you rather be caught wearing your sweats at walmart or chuck e cheese?
caught? i wear them all the time. everywhere. i would wear them with my boots if i felt like it. i do hate walmart though. and chuck e cheese. so i guess i wouldn't be caught in sweats in either place. you can prob catch me in them at the public library, local hyvee or target.

would you rather have lots of new friends or a handful of old friends?
easy. a handful of old.

we have cable now. not the kind you have, but it's cable nonetheless. only cooler.

i complained to james that my wi-fi connection that i was stealing from my neighbor sucked. so he got me a cute little white thing that gave me my own internet connection that i don't pay for and don't know whether or not is legal.

then he hooked up a computer to my tv. my real tv...like a real one, a flat screen. but with a computer hooked up to it. so now i can google stuff on my tv, watch hulu, watch nick jr, check facebook and watch all things superhero. just like the internet. but on my tv. and i don't pay for that either. nor do i know if this is legal since it's attached to my new internet connection that i also don't pay for.

there's more.

so then he hooked up his home cable from his basement in lee's summit to my tv in prairie village. so now i have his cable in my home. and if he's in his basement, he has to watch what i am watching in my living room. and i think that's funny. and i don't pay for that either. and don't know if it's legal.

he's genius.

oh. and he carved a pumpkin for us. for 3 hours. in the shape of iron man. we're gonna keep him. james, i mean. not the pumpkin. it will be rotten in a few weeks. can't keep that.