i remember him as a teenager. vaguely. but i do.
then years later he became my brother. he was shy. he was sweet. we loved him.
and years went by. and the lines between brother-n-law and brother became blurred.
he became my brother. he became my friend. he became my sister's strength. my family's strength. my strength.
he makes me laugh. he makes my family laugh. he makes my child giggle with joy.
he also lectures me a lot. does not allow boob comments on my blog. or construction workers in my house. and if i date you, he will do a background check.
Dec 22, 2009
Dec 15, 2009
the pond
the house was so cold when we got home tonight so i jumped in the tub to warm up. after a few minutes of quiet, the curtain opened and a 3 year old was standing there ready to jump in.
so in he jumps. but he wouldn't sit down bc the water was too big and too hot. he said he was going to make the pond bigger. not knowing any better, i agreed.
and then he pee'd on me.
so in he jumps. but he wouldn't sit down bc the water was too big and too hot. he said he was going to make the pond bigger. not knowing any better, i agreed.
and then he pee'd on me.
stranger talk
i sent my baby on a school bus for the first time this morning. school buses never seemed so big until my 3 year old child climbed up the steps.
to prepare him for his field trip today, we had a stranger talk last night. i told him over & over if a stranger tries to talk to you, you scream really loud and run to your teachers.
so this morning, i quizzed him in the car.
if a stranger talks to you on your field trip today, what do you do?
i shoot him with my gun!
no, brody- -what do you really do?
i stomp on his foot!
no, brody- -what do you really do?
i boom him down!
he was serious. and he never did get it right.
to prepare him for his field trip today, we had a stranger talk last night. i told him over & over if a stranger tries to talk to you, you scream really loud and run to your teachers.
so this morning, i quizzed him in the car.
if a stranger talks to you on your field trip today, what do you do?
i shoot him with my gun!
no, brody- -what do you really do?
i stomp on his foot!
no, brody- -what do you really do?
i boom him down!
he was serious. and he never did get it right.
Dec 7, 2009
our witch
brody keeps seeing a witch. it's always at night and he points to the same area every time, the front living room. he isn't scared. he smiles with excitment...'look, mommy, there she is- the witch!'.
a good mommy would comfort him. i, instead, interrogate him.
what does she look like?
a girl.
what is she wearing?
a princess dress.
is she see-thru?
huh?
is she nice or mean?
nice.
is she gonna kill us? kidding. i didn't ask that.
but really. do you think she'll kill us?
a good mommy would comfort him. i, instead, interrogate him.
what does she look like?
a girl.
what is she wearing?
a princess dress.
is she see-thru?
huh?
is she nice or mean?
nice.
is she gonna kill us? kidding. i didn't ask that.
but really. do you think she'll kill us?
Nov 16, 2009
Nov 15, 2009
what's kaylen (not) reading?
i gave up on my book- - the post-american world. i spent more time on google trying to get caught up on history & politics than reading the actual book. from time to time, i will try to get back to it...but i have to take a break before it crushes my self-esteem.
moving on to the god delusion. similarly, i know a whole lot of nothing about religion so i will be googling again and asking poor adam lots of questions.
come back in a few weeks, there will likely be an update that reads - - i gave up on my book the god delusion.
moving on to the god delusion. similarly, i know a whole lot of nothing about religion so i will be googling again and asking poor adam lots of questions.
come back in a few weeks, there will likely be an update that reads - - i gave up on my book the god delusion.
Nov 10, 2009
did you know that google secretly rules the world? it's true.
they have been entertaining me all week with sesame street character logos. it makes me smile.
they have been entertaining me all week with sesame street character logos. it makes me smile.
Nov 9, 2009
pb&j
we were playing peanut butter sandwich. i was the peanut butter. the pillows were the bread.
he pretends to eat the pillows and i yell 'don't eat me, don't eat me!'. then he gets that deep gut giggle.
tonight though, he missed the bread. and bit the peanut butter instead.
after my shriek, i told him to say he was sorry.
instead i got...
you hurt my mouth, mommy
oh really? how?
when i bit you, your back hurt me. say you are sorry.
uh, ok, i am sorry.
it's ok, mommy. accidents happen.
and off he went. no apology to the peanut butter.
he pretends to eat the pillows and i yell 'don't eat me, don't eat me!'. then he gets that deep gut giggle.
tonight though, he missed the bread. and bit the peanut butter instead.
after my shriek, i told him to say he was sorry.
instead i got...
you hurt my mouth, mommy
oh really? how?
when i bit you, your back hurt me. say you are sorry.
uh, ok, i am sorry.
it's ok, mommy. accidents happen.
and off he went. no apology to the peanut butter.
Nov 8, 2009
weekend
i raked all weekend. swear. i have blisters to prove it. and brody, well he demolished my perfectly piled piles of leaves all weekend.
it was beautiful weather and we were thankful to not be sick for once.
after bagging a few piles of leaves, my neighbor came by to tell me i had the wrong bags. i'm a leaf rookie. thank god he told me. so off we went to buy the right kind.
then he came back by to cut up a huge limb that had broken off my tree. i couldn't even move it. it would have lived in our yard forever.
then i heard a loud noise and looked out the window, he was cleaning out my gutters with this loud vacuum gutter thing. the whole house.
he came back with a leaf blower and blew the leaves off my driveway, sidewalk and back porch.
and back again with this hose thing to clean the mud off my sidewalk from the gutter cleaning.
for real. i took his pic for proof.
he says he loves being outside. but you knooooow he is escaping from his wife. either way, i am thankful for him.
ps- ignore the strange multi-colored deck, it's being demolished soon. stop judging.
pps- does anyone know how to demolish a deck?
it was beautiful weather and we were thankful to not be sick for once.
after bagging a few piles of leaves, my neighbor came by to tell me i had the wrong bags. i'm a leaf rookie. thank god he told me. so off we went to buy the right kind.
then he came back by to cut up a huge limb that had broken off my tree. i couldn't even move it. it would have lived in our yard forever.
then i heard a loud noise and looked out the window, he was cleaning out my gutters with this loud vacuum gutter thing. the whole house.
he came back with a leaf blower and blew the leaves off my driveway, sidewalk and back porch.
and back again with this hose thing to clean the mud off my sidewalk from the gutter cleaning.
for real. i took his pic for proof.
he says he loves being outside. but you knooooow he is escaping from his wife. either way, i am thankful for him.
ps- ignore the strange multi-colored deck, it's being demolished soon. stop judging.
pps- does anyone know how to demolish a deck?
Nov 6, 2009
too tight
i can't stop eating. mostly candy and chocolate. and hot cocoa.
this morning i had to suck in to button my jeans. then i had to do a little dance around to loosen them up.
i was determined to stop eating candy today. and to start working out again.
then i got to work and my friend gave me a donut. a chocolate donut.
and i ate it.
as i was walking to a meeting i thought again, my pants are too tight.
then i looked down and had donut icing on my boob.
a harsh reminder of why my pants are too tight.
this morning i had to suck in to button my jeans. then i had to do a little dance around to loosen them up.
i was determined to stop eating candy today. and to start working out again.
then i got to work and my friend gave me a donut. a chocolate donut.
and i ate it.
as i was walking to a meeting i thought again, my pants are too tight.
then i looked down and had donut icing on my boob.
a harsh reminder of why my pants are too tight.
Nov 3, 2009
kitty
i just heard...
kitty, come here, i am going to shoot you. ok? ok, kitty? i am going to shoot you.
then i heard...
you ok, kitty? you ok? lay down, i am going to sit on you.
then i heard...
mooooommmm! the kitty ran away!
wonder why.
kitty, come here, i am going to shoot you. ok? ok, kitty? i am going to shoot you.
then i heard...
you ok, kitty? you ok? lay down, i am going to sit on you.
then i heard...
mooooommmm! the kitty ran away!
wonder why.
Nov 2, 2009
Nov 1, 2009
crash
i finally broke down today. my friends say that i am strong. my sister says i am stubborn. i am somewhere in the middle.
i never break down.
after 3 weekends in a row of being sick. very sick. i finally broke down.
in the middle of target.
i just needed laundry detergent. simple.
brody isn't allowed to walk beside me in the store bc he will take off. he has to sit in the cart, hold onto the cart with his fingers or help push it.
today though, independent brody wanted to push it without my help. 2 problems. first, the cart is too heavy for him. second, he had his feet on the lower rack rather than the ground.
i tried to help push. he would scream. i tried to explain he cannot push the cart without his feet on the ground. he would yell.
i backed up knowing he would ask for my help. he didn't.
i turned my head for a second. turned back to see him running with the cart. then saw a girl headed his way.
and boom.
yep, he ran her down.
i apologized. sincerely. i was indeed sorry that my child just crashed into the poor girl.
she was pissed. pissed.
hang head in shame. walk away. and i broke. in the paper towel aisle. i should have been mad. brody should have gotten in trouble. but i couldn't stop crying.
and then sweet brody told me he loved me.
and he never did get in trouble. smart kid.
i never break down.
after 3 weekends in a row of being sick. very sick. i finally broke down.
in the middle of target.
i just needed laundry detergent. simple.
brody isn't allowed to walk beside me in the store bc he will take off. he has to sit in the cart, hold onto the cart with his fingers or help push it.
today though, independent brody wanted to push it without my help. 2 problems. first, the cart is too heavy for him. second, he had his feet on the lower rack rather than the ground.
i tried to help push. he would scream. i tried to explain he cannot push the cart without his feet on the ground. he would yell.
i backed up knowing he would ask for my help. he didn't.
i turned my head for a second. turned back to see him running with the cart. then saw a girl headed his way.
and boom.
yep, he ran her down.
i apologized. sincerely. i was indeed sorry that my child just crashed into the poor girl.
she was pissed. pissed.
hang head in shame. walk away. and i broke. in the paper towel aisle. i should have been mad. brody should have gotten in trouble. but i couldn't stop crying.
and then sweet brody told me he loved me.
and he never did get in trouble. smart kid.
Oct 31, 2009
halloween
it's 4pm. halloween night. i've been trying to bathe and dress brody for over an hour. he says there is no way he's going trick-or-treating.
so here we sit. waiting for other trick-or-treaters to come to our house instead. and he is naked. so that will be awkward.
so here we sit. waiting for other trick-or-treaters to come to our house instead. and he is naked. so that will be awkward.
Oct 28, 2009
boo
i may have screwed up st pat's day..but i am not screwing up halloween. check out my spoooooky cupcakes for lil man's school party. i got this mommy stuff down.hidden treasures
LOOK at what i found in our garage. a hidden lil treasure buried under paint cans. it made me giggle on the inside.and see the broken shelf? i fixed it. on my own. with a hammer and nails. i'm awesome.
Oct 23, 2009
sick.again.
i have a very sick boy on my hands this weekend. he has been docile since 2am, nothing more than whimpers out of him. tonight though he managed to tell me that his cardinals hat would make him feel better. sorry kc friends. you're welcome family.
it will be a long weekend of stir-craziness again. wish my baby well.
ps- see all that hair coming out of his hat? he told me he wants hair like a skateboarder. in the spirit of letting him have his own identity, we have been letting it grow. oh my.
it will be a long weekend of stir-craziness again. wish my baby well.
ps- see all that hair coming out of his hat? he told me he wants hair like a skateboarder. in the spirit of letting him have his own identity, we have been letting it grow. oh my.
Oct 21, 2009
poem
this poem has been haunting me. i am itching to re-write it. gasp.
i should learn to enjoy the original. to have an appreciation for poems that seek me out and stalk me.
i do love it. i secretly love it.
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Derek Walcott
i should learn to enjoy the original. to have an appreciation for poems that seek me out and stalk me.
i do love it. i secretly love it.
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Derek Walcott
Oct 18, 2009
love
Jana + Billy Engagement from IRIS AND LIGHT on Vimeo.
i love them.
i love that they hold hands.
i love her kick ass boots.
i love his simpleness.
i love her ring. coming from a hater of all engagement rings.
i love that they make each other laugh.
i actually want them to get married. there is hope for me.
did i say that i love them?
Oct 17, 2009
sticky fingers
my sidekick and i are home all weekend. not stepping foot out of this house unless it's an emergency. we have had a pitifully sick week and need a weekend of recovery time. a weekend of cuddles. of cold medicine. of movies. of hot cocoa. of fall candles.
at our house, sick means snack on whatever makes you feel better. his choice has been doritos. fa-ridos, so says brody. 1 large family size bag purchased yesterday. gone.
he doesn't like sticky fingers. and this is a problem when you eat a family size bag of fa-ridos.
every few bites i have to clean his hands. it's unheard of. when i tell him to lick his fingers, he says huh?. lick your fingers. huh? lick them! huh?!
he isn't old enough to have peanut m&ms yet. but when he is...if he doesn't know how to eat them? well, then he can't be mine.
at our house, sick means snack on whatever makes you feel better. his choice has been doritos. fa-ridos, so says brody. 1 large family size bag purchased yesterday. gone.
he doesn't like sticky fingers. and this is a problem when you eat a family size bag of fa-ridos.
every few bites i have to clean his hands. it's unheard of. when i tell him to lick his fingers, he says huh?. lick your fingers. huh? lick them! huh?!
he isn't old enough to have peanut m&ms yet. but when he is...if he doesn't know how to eat them? well, then he can't be mine.
Oct 14, 2009
lonely
i am not ready for my loneliness to go away.
i thought i wanted it to go away. but i need it.
i am going to need it for awhile. a little while longer.
i thought i wanted it to go away. but i need it.
i am going to need it for awhile. a little while longer.
Oct 12, 2009
compliments
in a complimentary voice, brody told me that i have the biggest butt of any mommy he has ever seen. then he shot me with a nerf gun.
school clothes
when i picked brody up from school on friday, his teacher handed me a pair of his pajamas.
puzzled, i asked how she got them.
she says he wore them to school. under his normal clothes.
oh god. please tell me his dad is the guilty one.
nope. it was me.
how is it that i dressed my child and forgot to remove his pajamas first?
puzzled, i asked how she got them.
she says he wore them to school. under his normal clothes.
oh god. please tell me his dad is the guilty one.
nope. it was me.
how is it that i dressed my child and forgot to remove his pajamas first?
Oct 11, 2009
bowling
i am still in a bit of a struggle to get the rest of my furniture back.
until then, we made a bowling alley in our front room. i am now indeed the coolest mommy ever.
until then, we made a bowling alley in our front room. i am now indeed the coolest mommy ever.
cars
he doesn't have enough cars, so says brody.
i lined them up thinking a visual would help him understand.
it didn't work.
his response? see, mommy, i don't have enough.
i lined them up thinking a visual would help him understand.
it didn't work.his response? see, mommy, i don't have enough.
Oct 7, 2009
october
only 7 days into october and it has proven to be the worst month thus far.
7 days of kicks. everyday. and they aren't even tiny, annoying little kicks. they are full on kick me in the gut as hard as you can kind of kicks.
i'm gonna start kicking back.
7 days of kicks. everyday. and they aren't even tiny, annoying little kicks. they are full on kick me in the gut as hard as you can kind of kicks.
i'm gonna start kicking back.
Oct 3, 2009
money fairy
the money fairy visited me twice this week. again.
check #1: $10 from an overpayment on a closed account
check #2: $45 from car-max
i want to believe that i am simply a lucky person that gets free money in the mail.
likely though, i am a naive person that just overpays everyone.
check #1: $10 from an overpayment on a closed account
check #2: $45 from car-max
i want to believe that i am simply a lucky person that gets free money in the mail.
likely though, i am a naive person that just overpays everyone.
gravity
a little guy fell on the soccer field today. not one of the big kids (ahem, 3 year olds) but a baby brother trying to keep up.
sweet brody stops playing and runs over to him...
brody: are you ok?
baby's dad: he's fine, it's gravity
brody: oh, are you ok gravity?
he makes me laugh. he melts my heart.
sweet brody stops playing and runs over to him...
brody: are you ok?
baby's dad: he's fine, it's gravity
brody: oh, are you ok gravity?
he makes me laugh. he melts my heart.
Oct 2, 2009
Sep 30, 2009
love
when my little boy was born it was painful how much i loved him. a protective love. i thought it was my only love. that it would never change. it was so strong, how could it?
but it does.
today i fell in love with him again. a new kind of love. a silly kind of love. giggle until your belly hurts kind of love. so funny that you cry kind of love. i-wish-you-would-stay-this-little kind of love. i-don't-want-this-moment-to-end kind of love. silly love.
and so it begins. many more years of experiencing new kinds of love.
but it does.
today i fell in love with him again. a new kind of love. a silly kind of love. giggle until your belly hurts kind of love. so funny that you cry kind of love. i-wish-you-would-stay-this-little kind of love. i-don't-want-this-moment-to-end kind of love. silly love.
and so it begins. many more years of experiencing new kinds of love.
diet coke
1st day back to work after a long trip to hawaii and a short trip to florida. i pretty much feel like a truck has run over me...then backed up and ran over me again.
a diet coke always helps.
go to vending machine. i see it from a distance. brand new and beautiful.
no diet coke. it's a pepsi machine now. for the love of god.
walk downstairs to cafeteria. decide on a tea instead.
no normal tea. only black tea, green tea and lots of other fruity teas. lord help me.
decide to try diet coke fountain soda.
ice maker broke. poke my eyes out.
get a teeny tiny bit of ice and realize i am getting caffeine-free diet coke.
pour it out.
fight the ice maker again.
get a diet coke. finally.
pay. walk upstairs. drink.
it's flat.
i want to go back to florida.
a diet coke always helps.
go to vending machine. i see it from a distance. brand new and beautiful.
no diet coke. it's a pepsi machine now. for the love of god.
walk downstairs to cafeteria. decide on a tea instead.
no normal tea. only black tea, green tea and lots of other fruity teas. lord help me.
decide to try diet coke fountain soda.
ice maker broke. poke my eyes out.
get a teeny tiny bit of ice and realize i am getting caffeine-free diet coke.
pour it out.
fight the ice maker again.
get a diet coke. finally.
pay. walk upstairs. drink.
it's flat.
i want to go back to florida.
Sep 17, 2009
Sep 16, 2009
wiffle ball
tonight we had a friendly game of wiffle ball with the neighbors. friendly until brody yelled 'let's kick their butts mommy!'
who do you think he got that from?
who do you think he got that from?
checks
the money fairy has been looking out for me lately. 3 days in a row.
day 1: check in mail from geico for $35
day 2: check in mail from time warner for $62
day 3: check in mail from state farm insurance for $142
i love the money fairy. and the mailman. they are my best friends.
day 1: check in mail from geico for $35
day 2: check in mail from time warner for $62
day 3: check in mail from state farm insurance for $142
i love the money fairy. and the mailman. they are my best friends.
Sep 15, 2009
milk
a quick trip to hen house for milk turned into a lollipop meltdown and hide-n-seek in the aisles. hide-n-seek in high heels nonetheless.
the guy behind us at the checkout was amused. he reminded me that it goes by quickly and that although his daughter is all grown up now seeing a baby having meltdowns makes him miss those moments.
brody then sat where the plastic bags are kept. refused to get down. so i told the cashier to just put him in a bag. the guy behind us laughed. i pointed out that i already had my bags, this one was for him.
he thought i was kidding.
the guy behind us at the checkout was amused. he reminded me that it goes by quickly and that although his daughter is all grown up now seeing a baby having meltdowns makes him miss those moments.
brody then sat where the plastic bags are kept. refused to get down. so i told the cashier to just put him in a bag. the guy behind us laughed. i pointed out that i already had my bags, this one was for him.
he thought i was kidding.
vocabulary words
brody's vocabulary words this week are caring, respect and manners. so we did a review tonight after dinner. here is how it went...
what does caring mean?
don't hit your friends.
what does respect mean?
we don't throw things at people.
what does manners mean?
don't poop on the floor.
what does caring mean?
don't hit your friends.
what does respect mean?
we don't throw things at people.
what does manners mean?
don't poop on the floor.
Sep 14, 2009
Sep 13, 2009
a day on the farm
my sidekick and i had a full day on the farm today. hayrides, tractor races, fishing, milkin' cows, pretending to be indians, feeding the fish, chasing ducks, tormenting goats....
exhausted.
our cowboy. he was all of 14 years old...the view from behind made him seem more heroic.
hayride is over. he's not getting off. he wants to stay on the wagon with the cowboy.
of all the fun things we did, this was by far his favorite. feeding the fat, overfed fish. i eventually ran out of quarters and had to pick fish crumbs off the ground for him. but it made him happy and well, i have no shame.
this goat had no idea it would eventually be tackled by him. it was the perfect size for tackling. can't blame the kid.
exhausted.
our cowboy. he was all of 14 years old...the view from behind made him seem more heroic.
hayride is over. he's not getting off. he wants to stay on the wagon with the cowboy.
of all the fun things we did, this was by far his favorite. feeding the fat, overfed fish. i eventually ran out of quarters and had to pick fish crumbs off the ground for him. but it made him happy and well, i have no shame.
this goat had no idea it would eventually be tackled by him. it was the perfect size for tackling. can't blame the kid.
milkin' a cow. a plastic cow. strange. 
couldn't get to that teepee fast enough. truth be told, i was running too. who doesn't love teepees? come on.
in he went. into a dark tunnel. his biggest fear. i don't think he realized what was happening. oh and look...i caught an orb. eeeek.
Sep 11, 2009
kisses
sat brody at the breakfast table with his friends, gave him a hug, said goodbye and started towards the door.
then pitter patter. oh no. turn around expecting a melt down.
instead i hear...wait, mommy, you forgot to give me a kiss!
i love him. love.
then pitter patter. oh no. turn around expecting a melt down.
instead i hear...wait, mommy, you forgot to give me a kiss!
i love him. love.
Sep 8, 2009
Sep 6, 2009
operation breakthrough
operation breakthrough is just a few blocks from where brody goes to school. on 31st and troost. before we moved, we drove by it every day. and we saw these little faces every morning.
if you are from kc...watch. and help. don't just drive by.
http://www.operationbreakthrough.org/ob_video.html
if you are from kc...watch. and help. don't just drive by.
http://www.operationbreakthrough.org/ob_video.html
fall
i have spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself this week. too much pain. too many drugs. add an almost 3 year old to the mix, one that pounces on me every chance he gets. i finally snapped out of it this morning and woke up to a sense of normalcy, no pain and no drugs. thank you doctor for giving me a limited supply, i would have indeed taken them forever.
fall has arrived. which means i have to prepare this house for it. i have no clue what i am supposed to do. my mom continually reminds me (and by that i mean just about everyday) to cover the holes under my sink so mice don't get in and to change the filter on my furnace.
my house doesn't have a basement, just a crawl space. if you are a blog follower, then you already know i hate basements. i hate crawl spaces even more. shamefully, i bought this house without even going down there to look at it. i still haven't gone down there. i opened the cute little fairy-like door to peek in. there is gravel on the floor, lots of spiderwebs and it's dark. no way in hell am i going down there. changing the filter will have to wait.
i did though take care of the mouse business. i covered the holes under my sink that open down to the crawl space. i also bought mouse sticky traps. i have mixed feelings about this bc i don't want to kill (torture) them. luckily i bought 2 bc my hand got stuck in the first one. do not touch me for a few days...unless you want to be stuck to me then go ahead.
pretty sure there are some other things i am supposed to do for fall. i will google.
fall has arrived. which means i have to prepare this house for it. i have no clue what i am supposed to do. my mom continually reminds me (and by that i mean just about everyday) to cover the holes under my sink so mice don't get in and to change the filter on my furnace.
my house doesn't have a basement, just a crawl space. if you are a blog follower, then you already know i hate basements. i hate crawl spaces even more. shamefully, i bought this house without even going down there to look at it. i still haven't gone down there. i opened the cute little fairy-like door to peek in. there is gravel on the floor, lots of spiderwebs and it's dark. no way in hell am i going down there. changing the filter will have to wait.
i did though take care of the mouse business. i covered the holes under my sink that open down to the crawl space. i also bought mouse sticky traps. i have mixed feelings about this bc i don't want to kill (torture) them. luckily i bought 2 bc my hand got stuck in the first one. do not touch me for a few days...unless you want to be stuck to me then go ahead.
pretty sure there are some other things i am supposed to do for fall. i will google.
Sep 5, 2009
assembly
this trainset was assembled in the box when i bought it. swear.
get it home. instructions say to un-assemble. un. and re-assemble. assembly was for packaging purposes only. they tricked me.
also. no batteries. evil.
get it home. instructions say to un-assemble. un. and re-assemble. assembly was for packaging purposes only. they tricked me.
also. no batteries. evil.
Sep 4, 2009
favorites
it is painfully obvious that i am my mom's favorite child.
sorry siblings. maybe you would have better luck with dad?
sorry siblings. maybe you would have better luck with dad?
Sep 2, 2009
today
everything about today was stupid.
except...
i got a virtual hug from adam. gush.
a real hug from angie. love her.
slobbery kisses from brody...along with a few kicks right where my stitches are. awesome.
and more hugs in the mail from my mom. sweetest mom ever.
backup. today wasn't so stupid.
except...
i got a virtual hug from adam. gush.
a real hug from angie. love her.
slobbery kisses from brody...along with a few kicks right where my stitches are. awesome.
and more hugs in the mail from my mom. sweetest mom ever.
backup. today wasn't so stupid.
Sep 1, 2009
Aug 31, 2009
friends
i am thankful to have friends that show up uninvited with food. to have friends that force me out of bed to eat. to have friends that know my family cannot check on me. i love that they make sure i have taken my pain medication. that they surprise me with m&ms after i have eaten. and that they make sure i am comfortable before they leave.
i love them.
i love them.
Aug 29, 2009
where is he?
he wants him to come play. where is he mommy? every. single. day. door bell rings...he's here mommy! gets a new race car...i need to show him, mommy! puts on his cape...i need to tackle him mommy!
he doesn't understand. in his 2 year old mind, they were buddies. he misses him. we miss him.
i answer as simply as i think he can understand...he had to go to school.
on friday his teacher asks who adam is. well...hmmmm, why do you ask? bc brody has been looking for his friend adam all day. he says he was supposed to be at school today.
i don't have answers to these questions.
he doesn't understand. in his 2 year old mind, they were buddies. he misses him. we miss him.
i answer as simply as i think he can understand...he had to go to school.
on friday his teacher asks who adam is. well...hmmmm, why do you ask? bc brody has been looking for his friend adam all day. he says he was supposed to be at school today.
i don't have answers to these questions.
run
no clean clothes this morning. typical. this is a con of being single. the only con. i have no one to nag me about doing my laundry. therefore it piles and piles and piles. so if you hear me complain that i have nooooooo clothes, it simply means that they are dirty.
couldn't find running shorts. dig dig dig. dirty. grab an old pair. a few blocks in and i realize with every step they get higher. and then i feel a fall breeze on my upper thigh, way up on my upper thigh, bottom of my ass. evidently, the old pair were a fit me many years ago pair. for anyone that saw a girl running with her butt hanging out this morning....i am sorry to some and you're welcome to others.
i stopped between 2 homes, both with moving trucks. it was a stop or die moment. hands on knees, head down, breathe...the girl starts a conversation with me...or maybe i started with her, don't know. why do i always talk to strangers, i should be more impersonal. she's moving, her boyfriend is moving. both moving from 2 homes to 1 home. neighbors, fell in love, getting married. sweet. convenient. it'll never work. run, girl, run. there is still time.
couldn't find running shorts. dig dig dig. dirty. grab an old pair. a few blocks in and i realize with every step they get higher. and then i feel a fall breeze on my upper thigh, way up on my upper thigh, bottom of my ass. evidently, the old pair were a fit me many years ago pair. for anyone that saw a girl running with her butt hanging out this morning....i am sorry to some and you're welcome to others.
i stopped between 2 homes, both with moving trucks. it was a stop or die moment. hands on knees, head down, breathe...the girl starts a conversation with me...or maybe i started with her, don't know. why do i always talk to strangers, i should be more impersonal. she's moving, her boyfriend is moving. both moving from 2 homes to 1 home. neighbors, fell in love, getting married. sweet. convenient. it'll never work. run, girl, run. there is still time.
fixed
he's still secretly fixing things. i wonder if he just walks around my house inspecting what needs to be fixed or if he randomly notices and feels an urge to fix anything that is broken regardless of whose home it is. either way.
i should leave him a key. let him come inside for water, use the restroom. maybe he would inspect the inside, then fix..well, everything...and um, decorate?
i am kidding, johnny, totally kidding. i won't leave him a key. please do not call and yell at me. but if i come up missing, look for my lawnguy.
i should leave him a key. let him come inside for water, use the restroom. maybe he would inspect the inside, then fix..well, everything...and um, decorate?
i am kidding, johnny, totally kidding. i won't leave him a key. please do not call and yell at me. but if i come up missing, look for my lawnguy.
Aug 26, 2009
dear...
dear carmax guy:
thank you for the kleenex today while you helped me trade my vanity for responsibility.
-kay
thank you for the kleenex today while you helped me trade my vanity for responsibility.
-kay
Aug 25, 2009
untangle
in a couple of months it will mark a year of untangling.
tomorrow, i trade in my vw...for a car in my name. just in my name. the web is so close to being untangled. one by one my ducks are lining up.
problem is i had so many ducks. so many ducks to get in a row. stupid ducks.
tomorrow, i trade in my vw...for a car in my name. just in my name. the web is so close to being untangled. one by one my ducks are lining up.
problem is i had so many ducks. so many ducks to get in a row. stupid ducks.
Aug 23, 2009
funny shoes
3 hours of shoe shopping resulted in no shoes. i wish it were boot season in hawaii.
i remembered something he had said. standing there, alone, shopping for shoes...i remembered and i burst out laughing. surrounded by strangers. strangers that looked at me like i had lost it. then looked at the shoes like there must be something funny about them.
i miss him.
i remembered something he had said. standing there, alone, shopping for shoes...i remembered and i burst out laughing. surrounded by strangers. strangers that looked at me like i had lost it. then looked at the shoes like there must be something funny about them.
i miss him.
Aug 22, 2009
friendship
my best friend. for 13 years. the closest friend i have ever had. i love her. there isn't anything i wouldn't do for her. still. 13 years later.
how were we to know what was in store for us? more than a decade. so many changes. death, marriage, kids, divorce. here we are 13 years later having the same conversations. the same questions. the same fears.
you have to trust me. you have to listen to me. you have to come home.
it's hard. it is. i know.
how were we to know what was in store for us? more than a decade. so many changes. death, marriage, kids, divorce. here we are 13 years later having the same conversations. the same questions. the same fears.
you have to trust me. you have to listen to me. you have to come home.
it's hard. it is. i know.
transitions
i moved brody to a new school last year. from out in the suburbs to downtown kc. from a predominantly white, middle-upper class, tree-hugger school to one with a melting pot of all ethnicities and incomes. i loved his old school but i wanted more for him. i wanted him to learn less about his ABCs and more about culture and character. something i could only teach him by immersing him in.
at only 2 years old, the three strongest women in his life are african-american. some of his best buddies are from low-income families and only attend bc the school & parents raise money for them to go for free. his class ranges from african-american to asian to hispanic to white. some are from high-income families and some are foster children. you would never know.
in this school they are all the same. and these children will grow up not needing to be taught this. they will teach us.
the teachers are from inner city, low-income families. they are hired from within the neighborhood. a neighborhood that just a few blocks away is one of the most dangerous in the city. this school gives them chances. chances no one else did. and with that comes pride.
brody fell in love with his main teacher. i fell in love with her. i hid what was going on at home from her just like i did everyone else. she caught on. but she never asked. instead she would grab my hand and squeeze it. she would hug me for no reason. she would leave me notes telling me that i am a great mom. she knew and she was trying to help.
so yesterday we said goodbye to her as brody transitions into preschool. a very sad goodbye with lots of tears. i gave her a card with a note about how much brody needed her this year, how much i needed her this year and how much we love her. she gave me a card with a note about how much she needed me, how much she loves us and how important my friendship is to her.
two women from very different backgrounds. one that had nothing. one that had everything. and kids from very different backgrounds. some with nothing. some with everything.
and with that comes the affirmation that my child is learning exactly what i wanted him to.
at only 2 years old, the three strongest women in his life are african-american. some of his best buddies are from low-income families and only attend bc the school & parents raise money for them to go for free. his class ranges from african-american to asian to hispanic to white. some are from high-income families and some are foster children. you would never know.
in this school they are all the same. and these children will grow up not needing to be taught this. they will teach us.
the teachers are from inner city, low-income families. they are hired from within the neighborhood. a neighborhood that just a few blocks away is one of the most dangerous in the city. this school gives them chances. chances no one else did. and with that comes pride.
brody fell in love with his main teacher. i fell in love with her. i hid what was going on at home from her just like i did everyone else. she caught on. but she never asked. instead she would grab my hand and squeeze it. she would hug me for no reason. she would leave me notes telling me that i am a great mom. she knew and she was trying to help.
so yesterday we said goodbye to her as brody transitions into preschool. a very sad goodbye with lots of tears. i gave her a card with a note about how much brody needed her this year, how much i needed her this year and how much we love her. she gave me a card with a note about how much she needed me, how much she loves us and how important my friendship is to her.
two women from very different backgrounds. one that had nothing. one that had everything. and kids from very different backgrounds. some with nothing. some with everything.
and with that comes the affirmation that my child is learning exactly what i wanted him to.
Aug 19, 2009
hold you
for nearly 3 years i have heard 'mommy, i need to hold you'. focus on the 'you'...that's the part that tugs at my heartstrings. ok, well, he hasn't really talked for 3 years...change that to 1 year.
last night, he held his arms up and said 'mommy, i need you to hold me'. me. he said me. he didn't say you. my eyes welled. my heart broke.
i don't remember the last time he said 'mommy, i need to hold you.' if i had known it would be the last time, i would have savoured it longer. i didn't know.
last night, he held his arms up and said 'mommy, i need you to hold me'. me. he said me. he didn't say you. my eyes welled. my heart broke.
i don't remember the last time he said 'mommy, i need to hold you.' if i had known it would be the last time, i would have savoured it longer. i didn't know.
Aug 18, 2009
my sidekick
he threw me under the bus. his teachers asked me today why brody keeps telling them his mommy stuck him in the toilet. well, um, bc i did?
brody, you're my sidekick. my partner. my little buddy. it's you & me. me & you. together. from now on. the two of us. i look out for you. you look out for me. we are gonna make mistakes. i am going to accidentally stick your legs in the toilet, you are going to accidentally spill red kool-aid on the living room carpet. it happens. that's the way we roll. but do we really have to tell people? let's work on this, k?
brody, you're my sidekick. my partner. my little buddy. it's you & me. me & you. together. from now on. the two of us. i look out for you. you look out for me. we are gonna make mistakes. i am going to accidentally stick your legs in the toilet, you are going to accidentally spill red kool-aid on the living room carpet. it happens. that's the way we roll. but do we really have to tell people? let's work on this, k?
chi
i have a sick addiction to my chi. sick. i love it. i have been addicted to it for, well, for. like. ever.
the power button wouldn't work this morning. press the red button like usual. no light. f word.
i didn't realize the intensity of my addiction until i didn't have it. press reset. no light. press reset on the outlet. no light. go to another outlet. no light. f word again, this time in all caps.
i can't go to work now. what kind of illness is this? can i work from home? it will take a week to return and replace the broken chi. my illness will have to last a full week.
you know that dream we all have about being completely naked at work? well, i would rather be completely naked at work then to have a broken chi. what? am i the only one that has that dream?
this is sick, right?
the power button wouldn't work this morning. press the red button like usual. no light. f word.
i didn't realize the intensity of my addiction until i didn't have it. press reset. no light. press reset on the outlet. no light. go to another outlet. no light. f word again, this time in all caps.
i can't go to work now. what kind of illness is this? can i work from home? it will take a week to return and replace the broken chi. my illness will have to last a full week.
you know that dream we all have about being completely naked at work? well, i would rather be completely naked at work then to have a broken chi. what? am i the only one that has that dream?
this is sick, right?
Aug 15, 2009
roadtrip
my sidekick and i took off from kc this weekend to head home. picked him up from daycare and threw a pullup on him knowing we had a 3 hour drive ahead of us. now i didn't really want him to pee in his pullup but was fearful he would need to go in-between exits.
we made it more than half-way before he needed to go potty...exit, pull into taco bell, run into the bathroom.
come on-come on-come on bro, go-go-go, run-run-run. we make it. pull his pants down. line lid with toilet paper, stick him on pot.
mommy! i pee'd my pants! i pee'd my pants!
no he didn't. no way. impossible.
look down. oh. my. god.
i stuck my child in the toilet. yep. i did. all the way up to his ankles he was standing in the pot.
unbelievable.
later that evening, a sweet elderly lady asks brody what his name is. much to my dismay, he responds...my mommy stuck me in the toilet.
we made it more than half-way before he needed to go potty...exit, pull into taco bell, run into the bathroom.
come on-come on-come on bro, go-go-go, run-run-run. we make it. pull his pants down. line lid with toilet paper, stick him on pot.
mommy! i pee'd my pants! i pee'd my pants!
no he didn't. no way. impossible.
look down. oh. my. god.
i stuck my child in the toilet. yep. i did. all the way up to his ankles he was standing in the pot.
unbelievable.
later that evening, a sweet elderly lady asks brody what his name is. much to my dismay, he responds...my mommy stuck me in the toilet.
Aug 12, 2009
cereal
i want frosted flakes mommy.
we don't need any frosted flakes, bro.
but i want them mommy.
pick out another kind, honey.
why you crying mommy?
bc we don't need any frosted flakes.
Aug 11, 2009
clear my head
i am not a good runner. it hurts. i am learning. i am trying. i started running before the divorce. it was a means of escape...i was running away from reality and running towards quiet.
when i run my mind is racing, it is far from clear. the world shuts down around me but my thoughts go wild. thoughts that i usually block out.
i ran for 30 minutes, 30 minutes of this...
how did this happen? how did i become a single mom? why couldn't i have been stronger sooner? did i deserve what happened to me? what role did i play? what blame do i own? will i ever forgive? i will never forget.
insert: i am about to pass out.
i am happy now. i was happy before. i was happy for so long. it took 2 years to fall apart. for me to fall apart. 2 years of trying to leave. 2 years of wishing i could ask for help. say the words. say them out loud. it took 2 years to build the courage.
insert: how much longer do i have to run? i am going to die.
will i be ok? i am ok. will i always be ok? was part of this my fault? how did this happen to me? will it happen again? maybe i did deserve it? i didn't deserve it.
insert: i can't breathe. why am i still running?
i can do this. i am doing this. i had to let go. i had to go. i was gone long before i left. i couldn't stay. i couldn't make it go away. i couldn't help him. i couldn't hold him up. i couldn't. not anymore. i couldn't help him without destroying myself.
insert: holy crap, i am going to just fall over and die.
i can see my new street. i love this street. i can't believe i live here. how is this mine? who was watching over me? how did everything fall into place? how is it possible for me to be completely thankful? how did i build the courage to leave? how did i become strong enough to walk away? will i always be this strong? i will.
insert: wait, this isn't my street...i still have 1 more block to run. shit.
i can see my house now. i love it. love. i am blessed. i am thankful. i am happy. my run is over and my head is now clear.
when i run my mind is racing, it is far from clear. the world shuts down around me but my thoughts go wild. thoughts that i usually block out.
i ran for 30 minutes, 30 minutes of this...
how did this happen? how did i become a single mom? why couldn't i have been stronger sooner? did i deserve what happened to me? what role did i play? what blame do i own? will i ever forgive? i will never forget.
insert: i am about to pass out.
i am happy now. i was happy before. i was happy for so long. it took 2 years to fall apart. for me to fall apart. 2 years of trying to leave. 2 years of wishing i could ask for help. say the words. say them out loud. it took 2 years to build the courage.
insert: how much longer do i have to run? i am going to die.
will i be ok? i am ok. will i always be ok? was part of this my fault? how did this happen to me? will it happen again? maybe i did deserve it? i didn't deserve it.
insert: i can't breathe. why am i still running?
i can do this. i am doing this. i had to let go. i had to go. i was gone long before i left. i couldn't stay. i couldn't make it go away. i couldn't help him. i couldn't hold him up. i couldn't. not anymore. i couldn't help him without destroying myself.
insert: holy crap, i am going to just fall over and die.
i can see my new street. i love this street. i can't believe i live here. how is this mine? who was watching over me? how did everything fall into place? how is it possible for me to be completely thankful? how did i build the courage to leave? how did i become strong enough to walk away? will i always be this strong? i will.
insert: wait, this isn't my street...i still have 1 more block to run. shit.
i can see my house now. i love it. love. i am blessed. i am thankful. i am happy. my run is over and my head is now clear.
Aug 10, 2009
battles
*throw hands in hair, stomp to room* i am NOT taking a bath, moooommmmy! i need to go to bed! i need to go STRAIGHT to bed!
really? this is the battle you want to pick with me? come on. have i taught you nothing? you get your way with just about everything...i have practically no rules. now your dad? he has rules. but here? you have it made, you can just look at me and get your way.
so here's the deal kid. when you want to battle it out with me, it needs to be for something good- like cookies before dinner, not wanting to pick up your toys or refusing to put on underwear when you prefer to run around naked. now those are things worth fighting for...but a bath? sheesh. i have lots to teach you still.
really? this is the battle you want to pick with me? come on. have i taught you nothing? you get your way with just about everything...i have practically no rules. now your dad? he has rules. but here? you have it made, you can just look at me and get your way.
so here's the deal kid. when you want to battle it out with me, it needs to be for something good- like cookies before dinner, not wanting to pick up your toys or refusing to put on underwear when you prefer to run around naked. now those are things worth fighting for...but a bath? sheesh. i have lots to teach you still.
cakes
dear cake strings:
i love your cakes. i need a cake. i am even willing to drive 30 minutes deep into the backwoods to a strange little trailer park village to get to your home. i realize that i will get lost, my 30 minute drive will turn into a couple of hours and i will be scared by the odd people that live by you...but i will come.
...but your baby making activities are really interfering with my child's birthday parties. this is the 2nd year in a row. i realize you need to take care of your newborns...but could you start procreating at a time other than the fall? and could you stop having them every single year. i mean, really, do you need all those kids? please come out of maternity leave. i am begging. i need a lightning mcqueen cake.
-kay
i love your cakes. i need a cake. i am even willing to drive 30 minutes deep into the backwoods to a strange little trailer park village to get to your home. i realize that i will get lost, my 30 minute drive will turn into a couple of hours and i will be scared by the odd people that live by you...but i will come.
...but your baby making activities are really interfering with my child's birthday parties. this is the 2nd year in a row. i realize you need to take care of your newborns...but could you start procreating at a time other than the fall? and could you stop having them every single year. i mean, really, do you need all those kids? please come out of maternity leave. i am begging. i need a lightning mcqueen cake.
-kay
Aug 9, 2009
juice
i have never talked baby talk to my child. in fact, if anyone talks baby talk to him i ask them to stop. i don't understand adult baby talk...but today i started re-thinking my rules.
mid-day pop run, taco bell drive thru for a mountain dew.
brody, you want juice?
yep
order. they don't have juice. ok, we'll take fruit punch.
i don't want fruit punch, mooooooommy!! i want juice!
it basically is juice, bro
it's bagels & juice?
no, fruit punch is basically juice.
bagels & juice?
no, it's basically the same thing.
it's bagels & things?
it's juice. it's red juice. we are getting you red juice.
but i want bagels
*holy crap*
get to wal-mart. take the fruit punch in the store. guy asks 'whatcha drinkin' buddy?'...
brody's reply?...juice, basically.
mid-day pop run, taco bell drive thru for a mountain dew.
brody, you want juice?
yep
order. they don't have juice. ok, we'll take fruit punch.
i don't want fruit punch, mooooooommy!! i want juice!
it basically is juice, bro
it's bagels & juice?
no, fruit punch is basically juice.
bagels & juice?
no, it's basically the same thing.
it's bagels & things?
it's juice. it's red juice. we are getting you red juice.
but i want bagels
*holy crap*
get to wal-mart. take the fruit punch in the store. guy asks 'whatcha drinkin' buddy?'...
brody's reply?...juice, basically.
Aug 8, 2009
phone calls
when i need my mom, i call. ok, really i call her all of the time. daily, in fact. ok, so sometimes more than once a day. i never even have anything to say, i just call to hear her voice. but when i really need her, i call and wait for her to realize that i need her. i say hi. we do some small talk. i get quiet. more small talk, more quiet. she catches on, 'honey, are you ok?'...and today she got the 'noooooooo...sob sob sob'.
my poor mom. she has too many kids. i should stop tricking her and just tell her when i need someone to talk to.
my poor mom. she has too many kids. i should stop tricking her and just tell her when i need someone to talk to.
goodbye
today was a day of goodbyes. a day of i can't believe you are leaving. a day of reminding myself that i knew this was coming. a day of, kay, you set yourself up for this. a day of wipe the tears away. a day of keep wiping and keep crying, it is ok to cry. a day of i miss you already. and a day of knowing that i have many more days like this to come.
Aug 5, 2009
Aug 3, 2009
who fixed that?
i am watching you. do you know that i am home? i can see you through my window.
things have been working in reverse for me. i used to notice things out of the ordinary and think 'how did that break?'. now, i see things out of the ordinary and think 'who fixed that?'.
i knew it. i knew it was you. i pay you $25/week to mow my lawn. and you show up with not a lawnmower, but a tool box.
fixing things that are broken. not telling me. not charging me. just fixing it.
your secret is safe with me. i won't let you know that i know. but thank you. thank you for fixing my step. thank you for fixing brody's slide. thank you for all the other things that you secretly fixed while i will continue to pretend to not know who fixed them. thank you for taking care of us.
things have been working in reverse for me. i used to notice things out of the ordinary and think 'how did that break?'. now, i see things out of the ordinary and think 'who fixed that?'.
i knew it. i knew it was you. i pay you $25/week to mow my lawn. and you show up with not a lawnmower, but a tool box.
fixing things that are broken. not telling me. not charging me. just fixing it.
your secret is safe with me. i won't let you know that i know. but thank you. thank you for fixing my step. thank you for fixing brody's slide. thank you for all the other things that you secretly fixed while i will continue to pretend to not know who fixed them. thank you for taking care of us.
Aug 1, 2009
my favs
this morning i am hanging out with my two favorite boys. one running around in his lightning mcqueen underwear and the other cuddled up with a comfy blanket snoozing on my couch. it's a simple saturday. a simple saturday that you never want to end.
Jul 29, 2009
hold her up
my normal is good days and bad days. good weeks and bad weeks. this is me. this is what a divorce will do. this is my new normal.
i have weeks where everything is quiet. where i am making leaps. where i am happy, thankful and i can breathe.
and then i have weeks when everything feels as if it is broken. as if i am broken. and my quiet becomes ridicule. my breathing becomes suffocation. and my leaps jump backwards.
and i learned months ago to ask for help.
so i do. and i did.
today i had 10 phone calls and 10+ emails from friends and family all pulling me back up. making sure i don't fall. holding me up. 20+ people circling around me. how can you fall with that many people protecting you.
i have weeks where everything is quiet. where i am making leaps. where i am happy, thankful and i can breathe.
and then i have weeks when everything feels as if it is broken. as if i am broken. and my quiet becomes ridicule. my breathing becomes suffocation. and my leaps jump backwards.
and i learned months ago to ask for help.
so i do. and i did.
today i had 10 phone calls and 10+ emails from friends and family all pulling me back up. making sure i don't fall. holding me up. 20+ people circling around me. how can you fall with that many people protecting you.
shake it off
tonight i am a little bit broken. with the good comes the bad and a squeaky little voice telling me to shake it off. get up and shake it off. it's a squeaky annoying little voice with good intentions but i need it to take a rest already. the voice. and reality. can they both just take a lil vacation from my life?
Jul 14, 2009
Jul 13, 2009
we wrecked
we were on our way back from the park. brody was hunting for animals and i was enjoying the nice weather. i forgot to buckle him. we hit a bump. he went flying.
...out of his stroller that is.
a couple scrapes and boo boo kisses later and we were back on our way. i buckled him. then my flip flop broke. *sigh*
...out of his stroller that is.
a couple scrapes and boo boo kisses later and we were back on our way. i buckled him. then my flip flop broke. *sigh*
Jul 10, 2009
i'm not the only one
i am supposed to be packing. instead i got sucked into drinking wine and watching re-runs of kendra. i haven't packed one box.
i am however relieved to know that i am not the only girl to sleep with her pants on. what i mean by this is that i have a paranoia that someone is going to break into my house. and when they do i need to be prepared to grab my baby and get the hell out. and when i bust out the front door, i would prefer to have pants on.
so every night, no matter how hot it is, i make sure to sleep with either pants or shorts on.
evidently, kendra's playboy bunny friend has the same fear. whew, i am glad to not be alone.
i am however relieved to know that i am not the only girl to sleep with her pants on. what i mean by this is that i have a paranoia that someone is going to break into my house. and when they do i need to be prepared to grab my baby and get the hell out. and when i bust out the front door, i would prefer to have pants on.
so every night, no matter how hot it is, i make sure to sleep with either pants or shorts on.
evidently, kendra's playboy bunny friend has the same fear. whew, i am glad to not be alone.
Jul 7, 2009
tummy aches
i am home with a 2 yr old tummy ache today. the thing about tummy aches is that they come and go. one minute the tummy really does hurt and the next minute the tummy is sprinting around the house. i don't know if i am supposed to make him rest or find ways to keep him entertained.
'hold me' has turned into homiehomiehomiehomiehomie...and when i do homiehomiehomie him, he is so heavy. sigh.
i read on a mommy blog to entertain with aluminum foil. so i got out the paints, the aluminum foil and a cardboard tube and let him go wild. he didn't go wild. he quietly painted a race car track and told me to throw the trash away. hmph.
he has also decided today that he is no longer potty trained. 'i am not a big boy, i am a baby', says brody. and his continual peeing on the floor causes me to use an over-abundance of paper towels that i am not supposed to be using. ahem, we're green now..remember? and i have yet to understand why little boy business is so powerful that it shoots across the room even with undies on.
i tried making him a cave. and realized i had never made a cave. i have only watched my nephews make caves. it turned out ok. maybe he will fall asleep in it.
'hold me' has turned into homiehomiehomiehomiehomie...and when i do homiehomiehomie him, he is so heavy. sigh.
i read on a mommy blog to entertain with aluminum foil. so i got out the paints, the aluminum foil and a cardboard tube and let him go wild. he didn't go wild. he quietly painted a race car track and told me to throw the trash away. hmph.
he has also decided today that he is no longer potty trained. 'i am not a big boy, i am a baby', says brody. and his continual peeing on the floor causes me to use an over-abundance of paper towels that i am not supposed to be using. ahem, we're green now..remember? and i have yet to understand why little boy business is so powerful that it shoots across the room even with undies on.
i tried making him a cave. and realized i had never made a cave. i have only watched my nephews make caves. it turned out ok. maybe he will fall asleep in it.
Jul 5, 2009
goin' green
i am doing it kicking & screaming but going green nonetheless. little by little. step by step. i hate it. it's hard. my life is already complicated, busy, messy and completely unorganized.
i am shamelessly guilty of being the only person on our block without the little blue recycle tub. i am guilty of using way too many paper towels, i love them-they are my best friend. i don't dispose of paint or other harmful substances properly, i sneak them in my trashcan hoping the trash men won't notice. i use paper coffee cups every morning at work...add the sleeve, double the shame. i buy brand new books instead of using the library. i take long showers. i do not use biodegradable anything. i do not use CFL bulbs. i own cloth grocery bags but forget to take them into the store every. single. time.
i am single-handedly destroying our earth. or at least my part of the earth. my little village part.
as brody & i become new home owners, i am making a promise to become a green family.
my first steps are:
1) buy CFL bulbs for every room...i will suck it up and get used to the white light
2) i will use less paper towels. i will find a way. deep. whiny. sigh.
3) i will get a sweet lil blue recycle box like all of my neighbors
4) i will start making my own coffee at work, with my own little coffee mug. boo.
5) if (when) i forget to take in my cloth grocery bags, i will go get them before i check out
things that i refuse to do:
1) stop buying books. sorry. i tried the library. it is dark. it is stinky. the books are sticky. ick.
2) flush less. sorry, but no.
3) compost. nope. no way.
i am shamelessly guilty of being the only person on our block without the little blue recycle tub. i am guilty of using way too many paper towels, i love them-they are my best friend. i don't dispose of paint or other harmful substances properly, i sneak them in my trashcan hoping the trash men won't notice. i use paper coffee cups every morning at work...add the sleeve, double the shame. i buy brand new books instead of using the library. i take long showers. i do not use biodegradable anything. i do not use CFL bulbs. i own cloth grocery bags but forget to take them into the store every. single. time.
i am single-handedly destroying our earth. or at least my part of the earth. my little village part.
as brody & i become new home owners, i am making a promise to become a green family.
my first steps are:
1) buy CFL bulbs for every room...i will suck it up and get used to the white light
2) i will use less paper towels. i will find a way. deep. whiny. sigh.
3) i will get a sweet lil blue recycle box like all of my neighbors
4) i will start making my own coffee at work, with my own little coffee mug. boo.
5) if (when) i forget to take in my cloth grocery bags, i will go get them before i check out
things that i refuse to do:
1) stop buying books. sorry. i tried the library. it is dark. it is stinky. the books are sticky. ick.
2) flush less. sorry, but no.
3) compost. nope. no way.
Jul 4, 2009
the tub
lowes failed me today. i am so loyal to them and up until today they have been loyal to me.
i understand their signs. i am able to navigate my way through their store with little help from their employees. when i do need help, they are nice to me and never make me feel stupid although my questions are usually just that, stupid. i walk in with complicated descriptions of what i need and sometimes i draw pictures for them, they always help me.
today though, they failed me. they broke my heart. i am on a break from them.
i need a new tub for the new house. and i need it day one of move in. my plans were to set up installation the day we take ownership. found a tub. easy.
asked the guy to help answer some questions. before i even finished my first question of 'when you install...', he cut me off. they don't install tubs. wait. you don't install tubs? nope.
are you going to force me to...dare i say...go to home depot? nope. they don't install tubs either. at this point, the poor guy experienced my tears. it's my new thing. i am not mad or sad...but the tears come before the emotions and i can't stop them.
so now i have an old tub in the new house that i need to get rid of. how do i pull it out? i have a new tub at lowes that they won't deliver or install for me. i can't carry it and i sure as hell don't know how to install it.
i want to do things on my own. i do. i try. ok, so really i just try to pay other people to do it...but when that fails it is easier to cry and wish my brother-n-law lived here.
i understand their signs. i am able to navigate my way through their store with little help from their employees. when i do need help, they are nice to me and never make me feel stupid although my questions are usually just that, stupid. i walk in with complicated descriptions of what i need and sometimes i draw pictures for them, they always help me.
today though, they failed me. they broke my heart. i am on a break from them.
i need a new tub for the new house. and i need it day one of move in. my plans were to set up installation the day we take ownership. found a tub. easy.
asked the guy to help answer some questions. before i even finished my first question of 'when you install...', he cut me off. they don't install tubs. wait. you don't install tubs? nope.
are you going to force me to...dare i say...go to home depot? nope. they don't install tubs either. at this point, the poor guy experienced my tears. it's my new thing. i am not mad or sad...but the tears come before the emotions and i can't stop them.
so now i have an old tub in the new house that i need to get rid of. how do i pull it out? i have a new tub at lowes that they won't deliver or install for me. i can't carry it and i sure as hell don't know how to install it.
i want to do things on my own. i do. i try. ok, so really i just try to pay other people to do it...but when that fails it is easier to cry and wish my brother-n-law lived here.
Jun 24, 2009
he won't eat
i can't get him to eat dinner anymore. i cook every single night minus friday pizza night. i hate cooking. i spend nearly $150/week on groceries. i cook all his favorite things. did i say that i hate cooking?
hating to cook + he won't eat = ugh
it doesn't matter what i cook, he will only eat ketchup and applesauce. last night i made a casserole and he ate 3 helpings of applesauce instead. the night before i made hamburgers and waffle fries (unhealthy, i know...but i'm a cool mom) and he just licked the ketchup.
i could save a lot of time and money if i stopped cooking. just feed him ketchup and applesauce everynight. if only. but that is neglect. or is it? it is. so my maternal instinct cooked dinner again tonight.
wouldn't eat it. time for plan b. cupcake sprinkles. all over the top of his food. it's fun. it's colorful. who doesn't want to eat cupcake sprinkles. he ate everything on his plate. genius.
hating to cook + he won't eat = ugh
it doesn't matter what i cook, he will only eat ketchup and applesauce. last night i made a casserole and he ate 3 helpings of applesauce instead. the night before i made hamburgers and waffle fries (unhealthy, i know...but i'm a cool mom) and he just licked the ketchup.
i could save a lot of time and money if i stopped cooking. just feed him ketchup and applesauce everynight. if only. but that is neglect. or is it? it is. so my maternal instinct cooked dinner again tonight.
wouldn't eat it. time for plan b. cupcake sprinkles. all over the top of his food. it's fun. it's colorful. who doesn't want to eat cupcake sprinkles. he ate everything on his plate. genius.
Jun 21, 2009
beautiful
tonight my boy looked at me with the brightest eyes and sweetest smile and said, 'mommy, you are beautiful'. i melted.
about an hour later he looked at manny the mammoth from ice age and said 'manny, you are beautiful.'
ok kid. now you just said i was beautiful and now you are saying a giant wooly mammoth is beautiful. so what's it gonna be? we can't both be beautiful. you have to pick. me or the mammoth. and remember, i am the one that buys your toys.
about an hour later he looked at manny the mammoth from ice age and said 'manny, you are beautiful.'
ok kid. now you just said i was beautiful and now you are saying a giant wooly mammoth is beautiful. so what's it gonna be? we can't both be beautiful. you have to pick. me or the mammoth. and remember, i am the one that buys your toys.
music heals
my friend sent me the pink cd. i am not quite as bitter or as irrational as pink, but we evidently have a lot of the same thoughts. only she is talented enough to put hers to music, i am talented enough to add to my blog playlist. i do however have cool boots like her. i need to start keeping score.
thank you jodi for my pink cd. i rocked out to it all weekend. i love you.
thank you jodi for my pink cd. i rocked out to it all weekend. i love you.
Jun 18, 2009
lightning mcqueen and the look-a-likes
if you call me past 7pm, this is how the conversation will go.
what are you doing?
looking for lightning mcqueen.
don't you have over 20 lighting mcqueens?
yes, but we are looking for a very specific one...the red one.
aren't they all red?
yes, but different shades of red..and ummm, no we have a blue one too.
which shade of red?
the real red.
what is real red?
you know, the non-burgundy red.
aren't most of them the non-burgundy red?
yes, but we are looking for the one that does not have his tongue sticking out, does not have tires on his eyes, does not have fake dirt on his tires, does not have a missing wheel and does not have a plant on his hood
aren't most of them just plain red?
yes but i am looking for the one with the yellow lightning
don't they all have yellow lightning?
no, some have gold...and we need the yellow. i have to go, i need to go beat my head against the wall now.
what are you doing?
looking for lightning mcqueen.
don't you have over 20 lighting mcqueens?
yes, but we are looking for a very specific one...the red one.
aren't they all red?
yes, but different shades of red..and ummm, no we have a blue one too.
which shade of red?
the real red.
what is real red?
you know, the non-burgundy red.
aren't most of them the non-burgundy red?
yes, but we are looking for the one that does not have his tongue sticking out, does not have tires on his eyes, does not have fake dirt on his tires, does not have a missing wheel and does not have a plant on his hood
aren't most of them just plain red?
yes but i am looking for the one with the yellow lightning
don't they all have yellow lightning?
no, some have gold...and we need the yellow. i have to go, i need to go beat my head against the wall now.
i am a thief
our grocery store routine is complicated simplicity...something that only brody & i understand. we can't start shopping until we find the car carts...sometimes we even have to find specific ones- firetruck, police car, bus...depends on his mood. we are stalkers. we stalk the mommies with the carts that we need. get it, go.
tonight was more chaotic than usual. need dip mixings for work tomorrow, need something for dinner, bump into our neighbor, hit a guy in the back of his legs with our firetruck, open a bag of cheese for brody to start snacking after he had already eaten a banana. get to the counter and he needs a matchbox car...damn you hyvee for putting the matchbox cars at the checkout lane. pay. leave.
i realize in the parking lot that brody is still holding his new matchbox car, a bottle of sunny-d, a banana peel and a bag of cheese. shit. now what?
i did what any other mom would do. i stole them. ok, most other moms would not steal them. they would have walked back into the store, got back into line and paid for the unpaid for items.
and i am pissed bc i forgot to get paper towels. if only i had accidentally stolen them too.
tonight was more chaotic than usual. need dip mixings for work tomorrow, need something for dinner, bump into our neighbor, hit a guy in the back of his legs with our firetruck, open a bag of cheese for brody to start snacking after he had already eaten a banana. get to the counter and he needs a matchbox car...damn you hyvee for putting the matchbox cars at the checkout lane. pay. leave.
i realize in the parking lot that brody is still holding his new matchbox car, a bottle of sunny-d, a banana peel and a bag of cheese. shit. now what?
i did what any other mom would do. i stole them. ok, most other moms would not steal them. they would have walked back into the store, got back into line and paid for the unpaid for items.
and i am pissed bc i forgot to get paper towels. if only i had accidentally stolen them too.
Jun 17, 2009
what i wouldn't change
this is what i learned, this is what you left me with and this is what i wouldn't change...
i now understand that no matter how hard it is to say the words, it is ok to tell your family that you failed
i will no longer underestimate the power of friendship. when everything fell apart, this is who i turned to. they were there before & during...but most importantly, they were there after
i will never again shut someone out of my life bc they know what i am trying to hide
i will never again hide the truth just bc i am too scared to tell
i will never again live someone else's dream...i have my own
i will never again live where i don't belong
i will never again wish away time
i will never again drive and drive and drive just bc i don't want to go home
i will never again look someone in the eyes to see hatred looking back at me
i will never live in silence just bc it seems easier
i will never again forget what it feels like to laugh
i will never again hide away
i am strong
i am smart
i am funny
i am happy
i am my own
this is what i wouldn't change...and what i wouldn't have known otherwise.
i now understand that no matter how hard it is to say the words, it is ok to tell your family that you failed
i will no longer underestimate the power of friendship. when everything fell apart, this is who i turned to. they were there before & during...but most importantly, they were there after
i will never again shut someone out of my life bc they know what i am trying to hide
i will never again hide the truth just bc i am too scared to tell
i will never again live someone else's dream...i have my own
i will never again live where i don't belong
i will never again wish away time
i will never again drive and drive and drive just bc i don't want to go home
i will never again look someone in the eyes to see hatred looking back at me
i will never live in silence just bc it seems easier
i will never again forget what it feels like to laugh
i will never again hide away
i am strong
i am smart
i am funny
i am happy
i am my own
this is what i wouldn't change...and what i wouldn't have known otherwise.
Jun 15, 2009
Jun 14, 2009
not ready
brody's daddy came home today. truth is he came home last night, but i didn't know until today. he is back in kc for good and will have brody 2 nights a week from now on. happy for brody, happy for his dad...happy the long stretch of brody asking for him is coming to an end.
it was easier to take all of the toys when we moved vs picking and choosing...knowing i eventually would give 1/2 of them back to his daddy.
so today, i am doing just that. sorting through his toys and packing up what will be sent to his dad's. i am not ready to let his toys go. i am not ready to not have him 2 nights a week. i am not ready for his daddy to be back home. not there yet. not yet.
it was easier to take all of the toys when we moved vs picking and choosing...knowing i eventually would give 1/2 of them back to his daddy.
so today, i am doing just that. sorting through his toys and packing up what will be sent to his dad's. i am not ready to let his toys go. i am not ready to not have him 2 nights a week. i am not ready for his daddy to be back home. not there yet. not yet.
Jun 13, 2009
handygirl
brody earned a potty prize this weekend for being accident free (ahem, minus a few accidents). he said he needed a car like baby logyn's so off we went to find one.
it's plastic, can't be that hard to build. empty the box.
there are screws and bolts. crap.
and the instructions were as easy to understand as a molecular map. this was page 1 of 3. 29 total steps.
and my helper insisted on sitting in it the entire time.
nearly done. the front wheel won't move, side door won't fit...and i am not sure what happened to the roof but it eventually fell on his head.
finished. ok, truth is i am still trying to figure out what i did wrong. until then, he loves it.
it's plastic, can't be that hard to build. empty the box.
there are screws and bolts. crap.
and the instructions were as easy to understand as a molecular map. this was page 1 of 3. 29 total steps.
and my helper insisted on sitting in it the entire time.
nearly done. the front wheel won't move, side door won't fit...and i am not sure what happened to the roof but it eventually fell on his head.
finished. ok, truth is i am still trying to figure out what i did wrong. until then, he loves it.Jun 12, 2009
Jun 9, 2009
dear god, we have caller id down here now
i wish he would have called me too. i have some things i need to talk to him about.
my men
i have a handful of men in my life that are very protective of me. my brother-n-law would drop anything to help me-always has, my good friend checks on me & jokes with me daily-i always know he is there whether it is via facebook, email or a quick phone call, my dad is my silent protector and would pull his shotgun if you hurt me- seriously, and my brother who has his own struggles to deal with but always reminds me that i am loved...
the most protective man in my life, however, is only 2 years old. he is old enough to understand that it is just him and i now. he is old enough to know he is the man of the house. and he is old enough to take on the role of protecting his momma.
it began a couple of months ago. at the pool- don't splash my mommy!, at the grocery store-don't run into my mommy!, at home-jack, don't run over my mommy's head!, at daycare-noooo, that is my mommy!...and it always ends with 'are you ok mommy, are you ok!?'.
so this morning i drop the cell phone on my foot...man it hurt...but i held in the cussing and sat on the floor while the pain subsided....here comes brody, 'are you ok mommy!!!??'...then a rub of my forehead, a kiss on my foot, and he put the cell phone in a time-out. we get to school and he won't let go...hanging on to me with a choke hold. ms clara says 'brody, who are you foolin'...why won't you let go of your momma?'. my protective boy says 'the cell phone hurt her, my mommy is hurt'.
i love him.
the most protective man in my life, however, is only 2 years old. he is old enough to understand that it is just him and i now. he is old enough to know he is the man of the house. and he is old enough to take on the role of protecting his momma.
it began a couple of months ago. at the pool- don't splash my mommy!, at the grocery store-don't run into my mommy!, at home-jack, don't run over my mommy's head!, at daycare-noooo, that is my mommy!...and it always ends with 'are you ok mommy, are you ok!?'.
so this morning i drop the cell phone on my foot...man it hurt...but i held in the cussing and sat on the floor while the pain subsided....here comes brody, 'are you ok mommy!!!??'...then a rub of my forehead, a kiss on my foot, and he put the cell phone in a time-out. we get to school and he won't let go...hanging on to me with a choke hold. ms clara says 'brody, who are you foolin'...why won't you let go of your momma?'. my protective boy says 'the cell phone hurt her, my mommy is hurt'.
i love him.
Jun 8, 2009
May 29, 2009
friendship
my dear friend. i just adore her. i haven't seen her in months as she has been battling breast cancer. i ran into her this morning getting coffee and was welcomed with a big, warm hug. a much needed hug and some giggles. something about her draws us all to her. she is full of life, stories & laughter. true to her personality she was more worried about me than herself.
as i walked back to my desk, i couldn't help but think of all the strong women i have in my life. the women that circle around you, protect you and keep you from falling apart. the women that are brutally honest and hide nothing from you knowing there is no judgement in friendship. the women that are going through their own unheard of hardships but focus on you instead. the women that are full of wisdom, advice and love. and the women, like my friend today, that have no idea that simply seeing them for a few minutes is sometimes all you need.
as i walked back to my desk, i couldn't help but think of all the strong women i have in my life. the women that circle around you, protect you and keep you from falling apart. the women that are brutally honest and hide nothing from you knowing there is no judgement in friendship. the women that are going through their own unheard of hardships but focus on you instead. the women that are full of wisdom, advice and love. and the women, like my friend today, that have no idea that simply seeing them for a few minutes is sometimes all you need.
May 27, 2009
where are they
my overprotective brother-n-law told me no more boob talk in my blog, so this will be the last. sorry, johnny.
i stole some of my ex's t-shirts when i moved out. this was the only manipulative thing i have done...although, manipulative nonetheless. they are so big and soft, perfect for sleeping. so i grabbed a few of the softest ones and hid them in a drawer until i moved out. eventually i will get caught and he will want them back but until then, if you come by my house after 8pm, this is usually what i am wearing- sad, i know.
so tonight, i was wearing one of my xxl, soft t-shirts. as i was reading to brody, his eyes got really big, his hand went over his mouth...
mommy! where are your boobs?!!
ummm, what?? they are right there brody.
where??!!
right there!
no, they're gone! mommy, they're gone!
they are under my shirt honey.
let me see.
NO! stop talking about mommy's boobs, brody.
i want to play hide & seek mommy.
OK.
i am a dinosaur.
OK.
the dinosaur is going to get your boobs.
unfortunately, his teachers will get the 2 year old version of this story tomorrow. oh what they must think of me.
i stole some of my ex's t-shirts when i moved out. this was the only manipulative thing i have done...although, manipulative nonetheless. they are so big and soft, perfect for sleeping. so i grabbed a few of the softest ones and hid them in a drawer until i moved out. eventually i will get caught and he will want them back but until then, if you come by my house after 8pm, this is usually what i am wearing- sad, i know.
so tonight, i was wearing one of my xxl, soft t-shirts. as i was reading to brody, his eyes got really big, his hand went over his mouth...
mommy! where are your boobs?!!
ummm, what?? they are right there brody.
where??!!
right there!
no, they're gone! mommy, they're gone!
they are under my shirt honey.
let me see.
NO! stop talking about mommy's boobs, brody.
i want to play hide & seek mommy.
OK.
i am a dinosaur.
OK.
the dinosaur is going to get your boobs.
unfortunately, his teachers will get the 2 year old version of this story tomorrow. oh what they must think of me.
May 24, 2009
stages
my friend suggested to read thru the 7 stages of grieving for anyone going thru a divorce. evidently the stages are the same for divorce as they are for death. she was right, i was going thru them. each and every one of them, back & forth. completely normal.
i have been hitting all of the stages like clockwork & parallel to each other; shock- yep, lasted 6 months, pain & guilt- yep, hit me hard 6 months later, anger-yep, this one hit me long before i moved out and has never left, loneliness-always, upward turn-already there, reconstruction- made it through, acceptance & hope- there.
the stages gave me permission to cry, to be mad, to be content, to be lonely, to be happy and to go back & forth as much as needed. i am healing and i am at the end.
i have been hitting all of the stages like clockwork & parallel to each other; shock- yep, lasted 6 months, pain & guilt- yep, hit me hard 6 months later, anger-yep, this one hit me long before i moved out and has never left, loneliness-always, upward turn-already there, reconstruction- made it through, acceptance & hope- there.
the stages gave me permission to cry, to be mad, to be content, to be lonely, to be happy and to go back & forth as much as needed. i am healing and i am at the end.
May 23, 2009
waiting
today i watched my child stand with his suitcase and wait and wait and wait. this side of you is painful.
May 21, 2009
my tree
i want my birch tree back. my ex let me take anything i wanted. no fights, no arguments...we just peacefully divided everything. i want my birch tree though. how do you get custody of a tree? better yet, how do you dig it up and transport it.
you don't. you leave it. these are the things that still make me bitter. i loved that tree in my nearly treeless suburban neighborhood.
you don't. you leave it. these are the things that still make me bitter. i loved that tree in my nearly treeless suburban neighborhood.
May 20, 2009
now, discover who you are. go.
this weekend will be brody's first weekend visit with his daddy. he leaves on sat and i get him back on monday. he doesn't understand days or time yet, so i will tell him saturday morning otherwise i will be explaining over and over for the next few days why his daddy isn't here yet. this child will be overflowing with excitement when he leaves in his daddy's big truck (biiiiiiiggggggggg truck, so says brody).
me? not so great. when you become a mommy, you have to discover yourself all over again. and when you get a divorce, you have to discover yourself. again. and when you find yourself alone for the first time since your child was born, you have to discover yourself. again.
so here i go again, discovering. normal people would make plans with family & friends...but i think i will just chill and let the weekend happen...see how it is to really be alone.
what to do, what to do...
1) drink some wine, go to bed late & sleep in (can you hear me cheering?)
2) go to the pool in my hot new bikini and finally get a tan...or a burn
3) RUN! finally, I get to go for a run again...first time since this winter
4) paint my entryway (martini olive, thanks to my oh for heaven cakes pal)
5) plant more flowers...and with that the need for more kleenex and claritin
...and I will likely spend a large amount of time sitting on brody's bed with his fred bird wishing he were at home.
by monday, i hope to be discovered and to have my baby back.
me? not so great. when you become a mommy, you have to discover yourself all over again. and when you get a divorce, you have to discover yourself. again. and when you find yourself alone for the first time since your child was born, you have to discover yourself. again.
so here i go again, discovering. normal people would make plans with family & friends...but i think i will just chill and let the weekend happen...see how it is to really be alone.
what to do, what to do...
1) drink some wine, go to bed late & sleep in (can you hear me cheering?)
2) go to the pool in my hot new bikini and finally get a tan...or a burn
3) RUN! finally, I get to go for a run again...first time since this winter
4) paint my entryway (martini olive, thanks to my oh for heaven cakes pal)
5) plant more flowers...and with that the need for more kleenex and claritin
...and I will likely spend a large amount of time sitting on brody's bed with his fred bird wishing he were at home.
by monday, i hope to be discovered and to have my baby back.
May 18, 2009
she has a ladder
little did i know when i moved here that pv is full of singles. coincidentally, i met the neighbor behind me this weekend. she has a great home, beautiful yard and perfect landscaping. in my mind that equals having a husband. nope, she also lives alone. wait a minute, who does your yardwork? i do. who moved all those rocks? i did. who mows for you? i do. who planted all those shrubs? i did. dammit woman, you're killin' me.
so tonight i am looking out our window and she has a ladder. not just a normal ladder, but a huge one that even men only stare at in home depot. i hate home depot, i should have said lowes. so she props the ladder on the side of her house and starts climbing up. lady, what the hell are you doing? climbs to the top and starts cleaning out all her gutters. her gutters. on her roof. on top of a ladder. really.
now i have to go get a ladder. and plant my own bushes. and move my own big rocks. if she can do it then i can do it. she probably also remembers to take her trash out once a week.
so tonight i am looking out our window and she has a ladder. not just a normal ladder, but a huge one that even men only stare at in home depot. i hate home depot, i should have said lowes. so she props the ladder on the side of her house and starts climbing up. lady, what the hell are you doing? climbs to the top and starts cleaning out all her gutters. her gutters. on her roof. on top of a ladder. really.
now i have to go get a ladder. and plant my own bushes. and move my own big rocks. if she can do it then i can do it. she probably also remembers to take her trash out once a week.
May 15, 2009
can i keep him?
i usually walk past the kids at hyvee raising money for this or that...especially the private school kids...i prefer to give it to those that really need it; like nemo or operation breakthrough. tonight, however, the sweetest child caught my attention. he was dressed in his private school uniform with his little plaid private school bow tie...and the cutest little freckles on his nose. he reminded me so much of my nephew, josh- except josh wouldn't be caught dead in a plaid bow tie and he doesn't have freckles. ok, truth is, this kid looked nothing like my josh...but when a child has a big heart, you can see it...hence the strong similarities.
he shyly walked towards us...'excuse me miss'...although i must look ancient to him, what a doll for not calling me ma'am...' my school is raising money for...(i can't even remember what they were raising money for)....but if you would like to do your shopping first, i would be happy to talk to you afterwards'. this child was maybe 10, if even. so polite. i thanked him and we did our shopping.
he shyly walked towards us...'excuse me miss'...although i must look ancient to him, what a doll for not calling me ma'am...' my school is raising money for...(i can't even remember what they were raising money for)....but if you would like to do your shopping first, i would be happy to talk to you afterwards'. this child was maybe 10, if even. so polite. i thanked him and we did our shopping.
we came back out looking for him. his response 'would you like to talk to me about our fundraiser now or do you need to get your baby home?'. seriously, who is this kid and can i have him? he tells me his name, shakes my hand, gives me the synopsis of the fundraiser, i donate $10. as i am writing my check hunched over somehow writing on my leg...he says, 'would you like for me to help you over to the table?'. come on kid, are you real?
as we are leaving, i don't want to embarrass him but want him to know how proud i am of what a kind young man he is...how do you say that to a child in their language? i ended up telling him that he was the sweetest little boy i had ever met. little boy? he doesn't want to be called a little boy. crap.
as i am walking off, i turn around to steal him. kidding. but i do turn around and he is telling his sponsor with a huge smile and the brightest eyes...'that lady told me i am the sweetest kid she has ever met!'...she hugged him, he was so proud. i teared up knowing that this child needed to hear that. sometimes we think they know, but children need to be told out loud. and often.
if i see him again i am totally going to kidnap him.
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